Heroes Don't Become Anorexic
by Whydothingshappen
Summary: Alfred tries to go on a diet, but soon the insults he's gotten over the years and his own mind get to him, and he becomes anorexic. Rated M for future violence. Future AmericaxJapan.
1. Chapter 1

Hero's Log:

(This belongs to Alfred F. Jones DO NOT OPEN!)

**January 20, 2011**  
Okay, for some reason Arthur gave me this Journal to write in and stuff. Apparently I "think out loud too much" (he's probably just jealous of all my awesome ideas) and he told me to write it all in here instead of telling him. Hmm, what should I write about...OH! Well, today Arthur and…crap what's his name again…Mady, Mary, Mark, MATTHEW! THAT'S IT! Anyways, Arthur and what's-his-face told me I have to lose some weight! SERIOUSLY? I can't believe they said that! I'm not fat! I'm just as fit as ever! Hero's don't get fat! I mean, I have eaten more burgers than usual, but it's just because I've been busy at work and stuff! Economy's down and all that jazz, and I've ordered some Chinese and Pizza, but it doesn't mean I've gained weight! Then they poked my stomach and it moved around a bit. A BIT! It's not like my whole body jiggled like Homer on the Simpsons! (Hah, that was a funny episode) They're seriously over exaggerating. There are PLENTY of people out there bigger than me.

**January 21, 2011**  
I don't know why, but all day today I couldn't help but keep thinking about that stupid comment Arthur and that other guy made about me yesterday. Since I kept thinking about it I decided to see for myself! I went to the doctors today (since it had been a couple years due for one anyways) and they said I was…overweight. WHAT? THERE'S NO WAY! They said I was 25 pounds overweight! What the hell! How does a hero become OVERWEIGHT! Well, I have been eating more than usual…but, have I really been eating so much that I gained that much weight? This isn't right! …my stomach does seem bigger than usual…no! I WON'T LET THEM BRING ME DOWN! Especially that jerk England! HE'S SUCH A JERK!

**January 22, 2011**  
I've come to a decision. I'm going on *DUN DUN DUN!* a diet. I've failed many before, but after a lot of thinking it over and over and over and over, I'm concerned. A hero cannot be overweight! He won't be able to catch the bad guys in time and the whole world will collapse because of it! I don't want to drink that tea stuff China gave me last time and that Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers stuff is for women, so, I'm going to create my own diet! THE HERO'S DIET! But…how do I start it? Well, I Googled a bunch of stuff and apparently I have to eat less and when I do eat and I have to eat mostly fruits and vegetables…ew. And apparently burgers are a big no-no. WHAT? HOW CAN THIS BE? I've lived off of my beloved Big Macs for years! I never heard this thing about them being unhealthy! Although I did hear about something a couple years about them...maybe thats why they seem smaller now a days...I should get out more.

**January 23, 2011**  
OKAY! I totally figured out my diet plan. Sadly, I can't have any burgers until I get this weight off. I will someday be united with the greatest thing to ever consume, but for now, I'll have to eat...fruits. Eww. And vegetables. Double eww. Today I started out with and apple (the only fruit that actually tastes good) for breakfast, and for lunch I have a salad and some water. What I would give for a Big Mac and Coca-Cola...am I drooling? NO! I won't give in! I just have to distract myself, that's all. Oh! I can finish my paperwork! I actually should've gotten to that awhile ago, but...yeah. Okay, I'll do that.  
Doing paperwork was a bad mistake. I got sooooo bored! I somehow finished it, but now I don't know what else to do! Hmm, OH I KNOW! I'll brainstorm!  
What to do when I want to eat:

Paperwork (ugh)

Video Games (YEAAAAH!)

...

Annoy Iggy (hehehe)

Yell at Russia (although that may end in death or serious injury)

...

Annoy Kiku (that will end in rejection eventually)

Umm...

Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh...

Eat? Wait no I can't do that I'm on a diet!

AAAAAAH!

Wow, this is harder than I thought...but I will find a way! I WON'T GIVE UP! I'm gonna lose this weight no matter what!


	2. Chapter 2

**January 24, 2011**  
Okay! So I actually found something healthy I actually like! Apples! I forgot about them for awhile, but they taste just as good fresh as they do in a pie. I think I'll just have some apples and water to eat. I mean, I pretty much just have to eat less and exercise more. I mean, I do exercise, but since my economy's in the crapper right now, I haven't really had time to do so. I wonder how Obama does it...he's always doing stuff but he has a six pack. A MOTHER FREAKIN' SIX PACK! He eats burgers too...  
I was also thinking of trying a salad. Iggy's tried to make me try them, but if it was edible and came from him, it was deadly, so no. I guess I'll give it a try, I can't just eat apples all day, I've already ate 3 and it's not even noon! OH! I know! I'll get some gum from the vending machine! That'll cure my hunger!  
Okay, that didn't really work out...I went through half the pack in a couple hours. At least I can go home soon. Wait, I'm going to have to drive by all those food places. KFC, Wendy's, McDon- woah, I'm drooling on the page! I have a serious problem. But damn, I'm hungry. 

**January 25, 2011**  
I've realized I have a serious problem. (For once) England was right. I am...ugh, I can't believe I'm saying this...  
Fat.  
But I can fix it! I can become my skinny awesome self again! Because of that last incident with the whole drooling on my journal page, I've had to come up with some drastic measures took keep me on track.

I re-routed my way to and from work where I don't run into any fast food restaurants. That was actually pretty hard and now it takes me 10 extra minutes to get here, but it'll be worth it!

I can and ONLY will eat 3 SMALL meals a day! For breakfast I will have a small bag of Honey Nut Cheerios. Lunch will be a salad, an apple, and 2% milk. For dinner you'll have a sandwich with some juice. If you absolutely need too much on something, have a piece of gum or a couple crackers.

Exercise for at least an hour

Resist as much as you can when you stomach starts to rumble and you either just ate or just had your 'snack'. Apparently a lot of dieting is mental.

Drink a lot of water!

I think that's a pretty awesome plan. I'll call it, "The Hero Diet!" 

**January 26, 2011**  
This first day was horrible! My stomach has been growling all day from not eating as much as I used to, and I almost passed out during my work out! I really am out of shape. Just looking at my stomach in the mirror this morning made me feel so gross. Look at all that! How did I not notice this happening to me? All the other countries are so fit and skinny, and then there's me. Hell the Italian brothers eat carbs all the freaking time and they're still skinnier than me!  
You know, I was thinking of just losing the 25 pounds that I was overweight on, but maybe I should change that to 30. Maybe 40. I'll think about it. Hmm, you know Iggy has been calling me fat for awhile. So has Francis, Yao, Kiku, heck, even my own brother...crap! What's his name again! ...well, even my own brother _ has called me fat! How have I not listened to them this whole time? I've been in my own world for so long just eating and eating and gorging...I'm disgusted with myself now.  
I'm definitely changing it to 40 pounds. 

**January 27, 2011**  
I called Iggy today and told him I started going on a diet. For a moment he was silent and then he started laughing! LAUGHING! I told him I was serious and he was still laughing at me. He said he thought he'd never see the day I realize what I big tub of lard I was and start doing something about it. Ouch. I never thought of myself as a tub of lard. Later today I looked at myself in the mirror again. I looked even bigger than last time. This is scary. It's been a week and it looks like I've already gained some weight! Was I sleepwalking to McDonalds and getting a Big Mac or something? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! That's it, I'm changing to *shudder* slim milk instead of 2%. I should start lifting some weights too.


	3. Chapter 3

**February 4, 2011**  
Well, so far I've lost 5 pounds! I'M SO EXCITED! I've been exercising a lot more now. Maybe 3, 4 hours. That sounds really long but it's actually not that bad, especially if you have your iPod. But I'm also real tired when I come home. I don't even watch that much TV because right when I get home I collapse on my bed from exhaustion. I like sleeping even more now. I dream of meeting everyone after all this and them complementing on how awesome I look and them being incredibly jealous of my awesome body. It's only been a week and a half now. Ugh, I'm so tired, I can't write anymore now, I'm going to bed. Huh, what do you know? It's only 8:30. Oh well.

**February 9, 2011**  
I'm starting to get the hang of my exercising routine. I miss this! Not to mention someone at work today said that it looked like I lost weight! YAY! But I got home and I still feel...fat. I don't know what it is but I still feel (how England described) like a tub of lard. Maybe I should go back to the gym today. For another hour or two? Yeah, I'll do that.

**February 11, 2011**  
I've done the worst thing a person could ever do while being on a diet. I've cheated. I just couldn't take it anymore. I got 2 #1 combo from McDonalds and some blue bell ice cream. I don't even remember eating it; it's all a blur of smells and gorging all that crap down my throat. I panicked and went to the bathroom and pucked it all out. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen in a toilet. The smell of it made me puke even more. I feel nice though. Empty. I'm not eating anything for the rest of the day; I'll just have some water to settle my stomach.

**February, 12, 2011**  
It's been three weeks so far and I've lost 15 pounds! YAY! 25 more pounds till my goal weight! Even though I am losing weight, I still feel gross. Just feeling all this fat on my jiggle when I run or do anything makes me feel like the Blob. (Huh, Francis has called me that before too) I'm not gonna have a sandwich today; I'll just drinking some water. I get tired right after I eat it anyways, and I also found out if you go to sleep an hour or less after you ate something, it can make you metabolism slow down a lot. My stomach is starting to hurt now too. I've gotten used to the growling, but now it's hurting. Apparently they're called 'hunger pains'. I've just been eating a few crackers when they come up, but I want to get rid of the crackers too. They have carbs in them and carbs turn into sugar. My piece of gum a little after lunch is fine for me!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Okay, I know this is already the fourth chapter, but I forgot to mention a few things.

Uno! This is my first fan fic ever and I'm excited and terrified at what people will think about it. But that doesn't mean be soft on me, review whatever you want to say, I'm happy to read!

Dos! Later on in this story there will be a AmericaxJapan pairing, but no sex scenes (I...I can't write sex scenes. Sorry.). A little birdie told me it's important to tell everyone who reads this that ahead of time, (even though it's already the 4th chapter...my bad) so yeah! And the birdie will be helping me in that section, and I'll give her user name away in a later day.

Tres! I'm glad so far people like it! Writing this chapter especially made me almost cry and then I was like, "Mel, it's just a story, calm down!" Subconcious: "BUT IT'S JUST SO SAD AND HE NEEDS A HUUUUUUUG!" My Common Sense: "Subconcious, shut up. You're making a scene." Sub: "NO I'M NOT! YOU JUST DON'T HAVE A SOUL SO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" CS: "We're part of the same soul dumb ass! *sigh* nevermind. -_-' "

Cuatro! Okay, Tres could go on, so I'm going to stop.

Cinco! I don't own Hetalia or the character's from it. *sarcasm* because we all know some random 15 year old black girl who loves anime owns this and created it. *rolls eyes* Enjoy!

* * *

**February 16, 2011**  
I'm down 20 pounds! Halfway through my process! Yet, I don't feel any better. I just keep thinking back when the other countries would pick on me about it. I really don't understand how I lasted this long with their taunting. With every insult that goes through my head that they've said it feels like I'm gaining all that weight back. Every day when I get home I look at myself in the mirror. The scale goes further and further back, but when I look at myself I seem to be getting bigger and bigger. I hate this. I called Yao if I could have some of his tea that helps you lose weight. He says to me, "You know, drinking my tea and still eating your burgers isn't going to help you lose any weight," I told him how I was on a diet and he thought I was joking. I hung up the phone that time. I can't take this anymore. I went to the bathroom and puked out what was left of my lunch digesting. It was so gross, but it felt right. I'm cutting out everything except for my apple. At least apple's taste good and are healthy. It must be God's gift to the dieters.

**February 24, 2011**  
I've been real busy lately so I haven't been able to write in this thing. You know, I actually like writing in this. I can write down my own thought on stuff and stuff. Err, where was I? Oh! I have two weeks left before everyone can see me. I've lost 35 pounds. I still don't feel right. I still look in the mirror in disgust. I've also begun to cry before I go to sleep. What's happened to me? I can still remember back at the world meetings, me stuffing my face with the slobs of grease (see, I've even begun to hate Big Macs! ME ALFRED F. JONES! HATE. BIG MACS!) to my heart's content, now, I barely keep half an apple in my stomach a day before going to throw up and drinking about 2 bottles of water a day. I can't stop drinking water, I'm still working out, and I don't want to pass out on the treadmill. The hunger pains are getting worse, but it's all about will power. I can even look at a fast food commercial and look in disgust that I used to eat that garbage. Heh, I'm starting to sound like Iggy, but he actually eats. He's so lucky. He has the figure of those small people with a really high metabolism. He could eat a pound of chocolate and actually LOSE weight! I would kill for a body like that.

**February 28, 2011**  
Iggy said he's coming over next weekend. I'm not going to eat at all. I've lost 45 pounds. I hope this was all worth it. I still look in the mirror with disgust. I still cry myself to sleep, calling myself a pig, a tub of lard, and the big f word. Fat. Maybe that's what the F in my name should be. Alfred Fat Jones. Heh, I'm surprised Iggy hasn't used that one on me yet. I sound so emo right now.  
My clothes are loosening up. I'm down to that last loop in my belt. I'm going to have to get a new one soon. People around the work area say I've lost a lot of weight. A few have even come up to me saying they're worried about me. I just tell them I'm fine. Because I am.  
I'm fine.  
It's so weird. I've been looking back at my entries I've been writing and they seem to be getting smaller and small the more I write. It seems I had more to say when I was a slob. A fat, greasy, pig of a slob thing. I hope they're proud of me, because I don't even know what to think of myself anymore.  
You know, even though I was a disgusting slob before, at least I was happy.

**March 11, 2011**  
It's the day before I see him. I've lost a total of 52 pounds. I don't even know how I did it, but I did. I was supposed to stop at 40, but I felt if I stopped there I'd gain it all back, so I just losing weight till the deadline. You know, I was thinking I was going to be all excited this day, because I was having those dreams of me looking amazingly awesome and stuff, but I'm not. I've been having nightmares. I keep dreaming I keep eating Big Macs and eating and eating and I won't stops. I keep going till I explode and chunks of myself go flying all over the place. The other countries see this happen and they laugh at me saying they knew it would happen at some point. In facts France was holding bets for other countries for how long it would take for this to happen. Germany won and would take him and Italy out on a vacation of some sort (that last part was weird...).  
I'm not even sure what to do anymore. What happens after I see them? Do I start eating again? I can't do that; I'll just get all the weight back again. I'll figure it out later. Maybe there's something on Comedy Central to make me laugh.


	5. Chapter 5

**Long Ass Author's Note: **I'm so happy that people actually like this! Reading through the reviews and all, it's true, I'm suprised there isn't a lot of depressing stuff that has to do with America/Alfred unless it actually has to do with the Revolution or the actual Depression. I just kind of thought of this because even in the english dub he's made fun of even more being fat, and I have a lot of empathy (is that the right word to use?) for people, even personifications. So it's funny, but I thought he'd snap at one point. Then I thought about how many girls here in America actually want to go on a diet or think they're fat, and I just put it together into this really sad awesome story. Idiots have feelings too! Also to get back on the whole depressing thing, I just kind of think Alfred deep down doesn't feel too good about himself, because when you look at the US, a lot of us feel like we're the best country ever and all that jazz, but when you take away the whole 'freedom!' and stuff, you look and you're just like, "...wow, something's not right here." I know all countries have their issues, but it seems like we keep those issues as a taboo sometimes, and not share them to the whole world. Like for me, I like America, but there's so much shit wrong here. Okay, I'm going to stop talking. Enjoy!

* * *

Alfred wakes up in a cold sweat a 4AM. He pushes his hand through his hair, and looks that a couple more hairs came out. He turns on the lamp next to him and brags his "hero's Journal' and a pen. He starts to write in it how he had the nightmare...again. It was the same one over and over, but every time he had it felt like he had it for the first time. Usually if he had a nightmare he'd wake up, go downstairs, and have a midnight snack to calm his nerves. But now he's lucky to even eat 200 calories every day. He got up from his bed to the bathroom. He washed his face with cold water then looked up at himself in the mirror. He sees nothing but love handles and double chins, when he's really just skin and bone. For the past couple months Alfred Jones has gone from being on a diet to becoming full blown anorexic. His rib cage pops out of his body like its desperately trying to escape. His fingers are twigs, so delicate that you're afraid that if you touch them they'll snap. He might as well be a skeleton wrapped in skin with eyes and hair, and nothing else. He turns on the TV looking for something to watch. Yes, its 4 in the morning, so there must be something on. As he flipped through the channels, every other channel seemed to be some infomercial about a supplement that can help you lose weight or some kind of new exercising equipment.

Great, now the TV was mocking him too.

"Maybe I should just go to the gym," Alfred thought, "let's just check one more channel, just in case."

He flipped to the channel and somehow it felt like the people on the commercial were talking to him. Insulting him. They got louder and louder until he yelled, "SHUT UP!" and turned off the TV. He went straight to the bathroom and threw up. Then he got dressed, and went to the gym. When he got there, we went on the treadmill, elliptical, and did some weightlifting. By the time he realized it, it was 7:00. Arthur was going to be there in an hour. Alfred went back home, took a shower (he didn't take one at the gym because he was too self conscious) and a breakfast of 10 grapes. He knew if he didn't eat something after he worked out for so long he'd pass out, and he didn't need Arthur freaking out and figuring out what's going on.  
Right at 8am he heard a knock at the door. He loved it when Arthur came to visit, even if Arthur was in a bad mood most of the time and made fun of him, it was nice to have some company every now and then.

"IGGY!" Alfred exclaimed as he opened the door and gave a surprise bear hug to Arthur.

"Gah! Let go of me you f-" that's when Arthur noticed something. Alfred's hug felt different. It felt real...bony. As if he just got hugged by a skeleton. He felt Alfred ease up and hugged him back. As he wrapped his arms around Alfred, he noticed that there was a sudden loss of mass on Alfred's waist.

"Did he actually...lose weight?" Arthur thought. When he let go and looked at Alfred, he was flabbergasted.

"Alfred..."

"What do you think? Told ya I'd look better next time you saw me!" Alfred boasted making muscular poses.

"Alfred...what...I..." Arthur didn't really know what to say. He was...thin. No, not just 'thin', really thin.

Dangerously thin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: ** I'm really glad people still like this story! I'm so happy and can't wait to continue it! I hope ya'll like this chapter, I just posted the other one a bit ago, and I hate cliff hangers, they make me want to punch people, so I'm just going to post this now instead of letting ya'll wait. I'll put the next chapter up in a day or two. Also I looked up the signs of anorexia in a guy, so I didn't just make this stuff up. I hope it's right. Enjoy!

* * *

"What's wrong? Stunned by sexiness?"  
That stupid comment snapped Arthur back into reality, "What?"  
"Hahaha! Just kidding, come on in," Alfred gestured.  
Arthur came inside and sat on the couch next to Alfred. Surprisingly there wasn't some cereal bowl or empty bowl of chips on the coffee table. That made him worry even more. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know how. He thought of calling Francis. Many models (men and women) in France have an eating disorder, so he probably knows more than Arthur anyways. At the time Arthur was thinking this, Alfred was going on about something (he hadn't really been paying attention), so he interrupted him, "Uh, Alfred?"  
"Huh? Yeah?"  
"Could you excuse me for a moment, I have to use the Lou,"  
"...that what?"  
"The bathroom you git."  
"Oooh! Okay,"  
Arthur gets up and heads to the nearest bathroom. He takes out his phone and starts texting Francis.  
**Arthur: Hey**  
**Francis: Bonjour Arthur, up for a little sexting are we? ;)**  
**Arthur: What? No! **  
**Francis: Oh. Then what do you want?**  
**Arthur: I need your help. It's about Alfred.**  
**Francis: Hahahahaha, did he gain weight from his "diet" or something?**  
**Arthur: Not really...**  
**Francis: Really? ...well, what then?**  
**Arthur: It's actually quite the opposite.**  
**Francis: Did he actually get to his goal? Good for him!**  
**Arthur: No, it's...**  
**Francis:? Spit it out already!**  
**Arthur: Well, yes, he did reach his weight goal, but he went past it. **_**Way **_**past it.**  
**Francis: What do you mean 'way past it'?**  
**Arthur: Here, you should see for yourself. Let me take a picture of him and send it to you.**  
**Francis: Okay. Should I send one back? ;)**  
**Arthur: No Frog, just no.**  
**Francis: :( Fine**  
Arthur pretended to flush the toilet and wash his hands and walked out of the bathroom into the living room where Alfred was sitting on the couch.  
"Took you long enough," Alfred said, "So what do you want to do?"  
"Actually Alfred, Francis was wondering if I could take a picture of you to send to him to show how much weight you lost,"  
"Really? Sure! He knows my clothes will be on right?"  
"Yes, he knows, I told him,"  
"Sweet! Okay, let me get into a pose-"  
"Just stand normally moron,"  
"Ugh, fine," Alfred stood up strait as Arthur took the picture and sent it to Francis. When Arthur got a reply back, he asked Alfred to tell how he's been for the past couple months. He went on about his economy and Obama being a lot stricter than Bush, making him actually work and all, and while this was going on Arthur was texting Francis about Alfred.  
**Francis: Mon dieu...what happened?**  
**Arthur: I know. I'm really worried, what if he's anorexic or bulimic?**  
**Francis: from the looks of it, he probably is. **  
**Arthur: Oh shit. **  
"Iggy, are you actually listening?"  
"Huh? Yes yes, I'm listening,"  
"Okay, just making sure. So anyways Arizona's passed this bill awhile ago- you know the one about the immigrants- and most of the other states say he's racist-"  
**Francis: These are some signs of someone-especially a male:**

**compulsive exersize**

**starvation**

**constantly weighing oneself**

**over use of diet pills**

**hair thinning or loss**

**exhausted easily**

**becoming annoyed or angered if mentioning about their eating habits**

**Also check if he cut his fingernails. He could be making himself throw up and cut them so no one knows.**

**Arthur: How do you know so much about this stuff?**  
**Francis: Arthur, I'm France. There are many models here that have these kinds of disorders, so I kind of have to know them. **  
**Arthur: Didn't have to be so sarcastic about it.**  
**Francis: I'm just saying, common sense (which is something you usually have).**  
**Arthur: :(**  
"Hey! You're not listening to me! Who are you texting anyways?"  
"Huh! Oh, I just was just texting France,  
"What did he say about the picture?"  
"Oh uh..."  
"...he insulted me didn't he?" Alfred said with a total 180 of emotion to sound depressed.  
"What? No! We just got off track in a conversation, let me ask him,"  
**Francis: Hahahahaha! **  
**Arthur: I've got to go, bye.**  
**Francis: Okay, bye. And good luck. **  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeelllll?"  
"He said you look great Alfred," Arthur lied.  
"YEAH! Wait, he didn't say anything perverted right?"  
"Heh, surprisingly, no,"  
"Hey, do you want to play video games? I got this really cool one a couple days ago for us to play,"  
"Sure,"


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: **I personally really like this chapter a lot because things finally happen. I mean, don't ya'll hate it when it takes too long for the white elephant to finally be brought up? It's so annoying! That's why I decided to do it asap, because there are just those times when it's like, "ARE YOU THAT DENSE? SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!" and then you accidentally throw your computer to the wall...and that won't end well with you parents. I've also noticed something terribly ironic about this. It seems that every time I'm writing this story, I'm eating something. It's pretty terrible, but I'm usually working on this when I get home from school, so I'm hungry! But then I feel bad. :( I hope ya'll like this chapter, because I really do!

* * *

Arthur and Alfred play Just Dance 2 for about an hour before they rested for awhile. Surprisingly, Arthur had a lot of fun and won most of the songs. Alfred would complain how it's 'not fair' and all that jazz, but really its cause Alfred has no rhythm whatsoever. Arthur noticed something too; every time they were done playing one song, Alfred would look really tired, like he went for a run or something, and would have to sit down for a couple minutes before starting again. After 10 songs (Alfred only winning 2), Arthur got concerned and asked, "Alfred are you okay?"  
"Yeah," Alfred saying between breaths, "Why?"  
"You look really tired,"  
"I've just had a long day, that's all,"  
"It's not even noon,"  
"Well I had a nightmare and have been up since 4, so that must be it. Here, look," he said as he got up, "I'm fine, now, lets-" his eyes began to roll to the back of his head, and along with the rest of his body he fell to the ground.  
"ALFRED!" Arthur yelled and ran to his side. He shook him but he wouldn't wake up. Arthur picked him up (which was easier than he thought it would be) and got two glasses of water from the kitchen. With one of them, he splashed on Alfred.  
"AAH! HUH? WHA?" Alfred exclaimed.  
"Oh thank god, I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance,"  
"Wait, what happened? Why am I on the couch? And why am I wet?"  
"You fainted so I splashed some water on you to wake you up. Here, I brought another glass of water for you to drink," he said as he handed the water to Alfred.  
"Thanks, I am really thirsty," Alfred took the water and chugged it down.  
"Here, you need something to eat too, I'll find you some cereal or something to warm up for you-"  
"No!"  
Arthur turned and looked at Alfred oddly.  
"Uh, I mean I'm not that hungry, I just needed some water, that's all."  
"Nonsense, you haven't eaten all day. Heck I'm surprised you didn't stop in the middle of the game to grab a snack."  
"How do you know I haven't eaten anything?"  
"I've been with you since 8 in the morning and there are no dirty dishes in the sink and it doesn't smell like McDonalds at all in here-wait, why doesn't smell even a little like McDonalds in here?"  
"Oh, well...I don't really eat McDonalds anymore,"  
Arthur gave him a puzzling look.  
"I know I know, that's so surprising and all because I'm the 'tub of lard that eats the heart attack burgers everyday', but I've changed. I've realized how unhealthy they are so I stopped. It was terrible for the first couple weeks, but now I'm used to it. Oh, and I stopped drinking soda too."  
Arthur was astounded by what he heard Alfred say. His jaw was wide open and didn't really know what to say.  
"Come on Iggy, is it _really _that surprising?"  
"Well yes, it kind of is! I mean I'm glad you stopped eating it, but...I just can't believe you did...wait, so if you did eat something, what did you eat today for breakfast?"  
"Just some grapes,"  
"...you ate fruit?"  
"Yes, I ate fruit. I like grapes. While being on my diet I've realized I really like apples and grapes,"  
"But all you've had today is fruit?"  
"Yeah, why?"

"What? What's wrong Iggy?"

"Alfred, I have something to ask you, and I'm not really sure how..."  
"Well, what is it?"  
"Here, we should probably sit," Arthur gestured them to sit on the couch, so they did.  
"Okay, what's wrong?"  
"Well, you know how I was texting France while you were talking about something earlier today?"  
"Yeah, by the way that was really rude of you,"  
"You barely listen to a word I say! I-wait, we can get into that conversation later, right now, we have to talk about something else,"  
"Well what?"  
"Alfred...have you been starving yourself?"  
"...what?"  
"Are you anorexic?"  
"NO! OF COURSE NOT!"  
"Then why are you so thin?"  
"Because I'm on a diet!"  
"This isn't a diet, it's killing yourself!"  
"Can we just talk about this later-" Alfred's stomach rumbled violently as if he hadn't eaten in days.  
"That didn't sound like someone 'dieting' to me."  
"Why are we talking about this? Shouldn't you be proud that I lost the weight?"  
"I am proud that you lost the weight, it's just that I and no one wanted you to lose this much weight. But you're done right?"

"You're joking right?"  
"Well I don't know...maybe a couple more or-"  
"NO ALFRED! YOU'RE A FREAKING TWIG AND YOU WANT TO LOSE MORE?"

"L-look, I'm sorry for yelling at you, that was uncalled for, but you seriously can't lose any more weight or else you'll die."

"Alfred?" Arthur looked over to Alfred who was crying. Arthur scooted over on the couch to him and tried to give him a hug, but Alfred pushed away. He tried again and Alfred pushed harder.  
"Come on, it's okay-"  
"NO ITS NOT OKAY!" Alfred bursts out. His sadness quickly turned in anger, "YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ARE THE REASON **I'M LIKE THIS!"**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: **I just couldn't help myself, I HAD to put the next chapter up! I'm lovin' this story so much! Even though it's sad, I think it's some of my best work in writing stories in general. I hope I'm not getting too cocky (hehe, cocky) and this chapter actually sucks...crap now I'm self conscious. *sigh* anyways, when Alfred mentions his weight in this chapter that actually is bad for someone for his height and body type. On the archive thingy of Hetalia it says he's 5'9, and I would assume he's like a medium build, and he's 19, so he should be somewhere between 130-165ish area. And he's obviously not. But I'm not sure if my weight is realistic. Can someone be alive that overweight? I'm just kind of assuming they can. Enjoy!

* * *

"W-what?"  
"Pretty much all the other countries but **especially **you and France would always make fun of my weight and what I eat every chance you get. It's always, 'Alfred stop eating those heart attacks you call a burger', 'Alfred just drinking my tea alone won't make you lose weight', 'Hey fat-ass how's it going?' and-" he started to choke up, "and all your taunting and bullying just finally got me. At first I was just going to go on a regular diet, and it just got worse and worse, and now I think I'm just some fat lard when I'm 108 pounds-"  
"108?"  
"Yeah, and I-I just can't stop. I can't eat I can't sleep and all I can do is work out and then throw up at the end of the day. I hate myself."  
Arthur couldn't believe what he was hearing. **The **Alfred F. Jones was saying he _hated_ himself. I mean, he was kind of like this during the depression, but this is much worse.  
"Alfred...I'm so sorry-"  
"A LITTLE TOO LATE FOR THAT AREN'T WE?"  
A long silence fell in the living room with Arthur looking down and Alfred failing to hold back his tears. Alfred started to head for the stairs,

"I'm going to lay down for a bit, do whatever," he went up the stairs and slammed his door, which made Arthur flinch.  
Arthur sat down on the couch not knowing what to do. He wants to help Alfred, but doesn't know how, for all he knows he could be throwing up right now from what he just from confronting him with. But for now, he should just leave him alone for awhile to calm down; it'll also give Arthur time to think of what to say.

After Alfred slammed his door, he stood there for a couple seconds, looking at his messy room. All of his clothes on the ground, his bed not done, and how there wasn't one hint of someone eating in here in weeks. He walked over to his bed and slammed onto it while grabbing a hold of a pillow and releasing all the tears he was holding back. He cried for about 20 minutes, and soon fell asleep.

About an hour later, Arthur decided to see how Alfred was doing. He quietly walked up the stairs to his room, and knocked on the door softly.

"Alfred? Can I come in?"

He heard nothing and assumed he was being ignored. He slowly opened the door to see that Alfred was asleep on his bed holding onto a pillow. He'd been crying. Arthur walks over to Alfred, but hears Alfred makes a sound.

"Leave me alone,"

"Alfred please, we have to talk about this—"

"Please all of you leave me alone!"

Arthur realizes that Alfred is talking in his sleep. It sounds like Alfred's having a nightmare.

"I'm not fat I'm big boned! No, no! Leave me alone I'm begging you!"

It sounded like the nightmare was getting more intense, so Arthur went to Alfred's bed and woke him up.

"Alfred wake up!"

"Huh, what?"

"You were having a nightmare,"

"Oh…go away," Alfred said as he turned over facing away from Arthur.

"Come on Alfred, we need to talk about this,"

"No we don't,"

"Yes we do, Francis and I are worried about you,"

"You told him too?"

"So you're admitting you have a problem?"

"…..leave me alone."

"Alfred—"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Alfred yelled as he pulled the covers over his head.

Arthur knew that he wasn't going to get through to him at the moment, so he just went out of Alfred's room back to the living room and sat on the couch. Today was just going to be a day to hang out and have some fun, now it's turned into a fail of an intervention. Arthur lies down on the couch since he was so tired from his flight, and noticed that one of the cushions was messed up and higher than the others. He took the cushion off the couch a saw there was something under it. A journal. Alfred's Journal. He picked it up and written on the front was "Hero's Log: (This belongs to Alfred F. Jones DO NOT OPEN!)". It was the journal he gave to him a couple months ago so he'd stop talking about stupid things so much. Who would've thought he actually wrote in it? He thought about opening it, but wasn't sure it was a good idea. I mean, it would be rude to go through his stuff…then again, Alfred always goes through his stuff when he comes over…and what's written in here could help him…he eventually decided to read the journal. He made sure Alfred wasn't about to come down, and opened the journal.

He couldn't believe what he was reading. He knew that everyone would always make fun of Alfred for eating so much, but he didn't know he took it so personally. He'd usually just shake it off or insult him back and Arthur eventually ends up choking him in the middle of meetings. Now he felt real guilty of what he's said over the years. It was his and all the other countries fault he was like this. Then he noticed that there was an entry written today when he turned the page.

**March 12, 2011**

**I had another nightmare again. I've been having them so much lately that I can barely get any sleep. I woke up today at 4am to the TV mocking how fat I am and puked and went straight to the gym. I was probably there for about 3 hours till I came home and took a shower, now I'm just waiting for Iggy to get here. I can't keep this up forever. Well, more like I can, but I don't want to. I'm seriously screwed up right now and don't know what to do. I miss food, and I miss the old me. Whatever I've become is making me hate myself even more. Maybe I'm not just fat, maybe I am an idiot. I mean, looking at what I've done does make me look stupid. Ever since 9/11 it seems like this place has gone downhill. Now education sucks, I'm in major debt, the economy sucks, people are fighting about gay rights and are divided by pretty much everything and anything, and worst of all, and a third of this place is overweight/obese. And it's my fault. All of it. I know I'm not perfect, but things shouldn't be this bad. What have I been doing this whole time? I guess I've just been ignoring it the whole time and thinking that I'm the best thing ever. When I'm not. I'm the worst. AAAH! This makes me sound so emo, next thing you know I'm cutting my wrists and listening to heavy metal or something…okay that was kind of offensive, but still! I don't want to end up even worser **_(Arthur though: Worser? Really? Even when he's sad he can't write_)** than I am now.**

"Ahem."

Arthur looked up and saw Alfred looking down at him with an irritated expression.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **First, before I go on, please don't shank me. I know I haven't posted anything for like 6 dats, and my last chapter's came so quickly, but I'm still here and determined to finish this thing! Pretty much why there isn't a new chapter now is cause school's a bitch and mind block is a cunt. Hope you enjoy this, there's a part of describing stuff and I hope I did it well and I make you hungry and you're like, "dammit now I'm hungry!". Also a couple days ago I went to McDonalds and actually got a big mac combo (heh, it's actually my thing I always get a McDonalds, no joke, but with a Dr. Pepper) and was about to eat it when I thought of this story and got all depressed and just stared at my food for awhile. Then I ate it.

Also I'd like it if there were more reviews just so I know how everyone who's reading this feels about how it's going to far. Don't be shy, even if it's constructive criticism, please put something! (just don't be a bitch)

Enjoy!

* * *

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I-I-I just found it and—"

Alfred quickly snatched his journal from Arthur's hands, "Who gave you the right to go through my stuff?"

"You go through my stuff all the time!"

"Doesn't mean you can go through mine!"

"All I want to do is help you—"

"I don't need your help! I DON'T NEED **ANYONE'S **HELP!"

"…"

"Dude, why are you crying?"

Arthur was trying to hold back his tears for the longest time, but he just couldn't. Alfred was like a brother to him, and it hurt to see his brother hurting himself.

"Because Alfred," Arthur said trying to hold back his tears and wiping them from his face, "I never thought this would happen to you. I just thought you'd get yourself together and lose the weight or something, but I didn't know you were hurting this much you'd become…"

"…I'm fine."

"No you're not!"

"Yes, I am. I'm **fine.**"

Arthur grabbed Alfred's shirt and lifted it up to show his ribs piercing his skin.

"This isn't **fine **Alfred,"

"LET GO OF ME," Alfred yelled yanking his shirt back, "I'M FINE I'M TELLING YOU! I'M GOOD, HAPPY, CONTENT, WHAT DO I HAVE TO PROVE TO YOU TO SHOW THAT I'M PERFECTLY FINE?"

There was a short silence in the room as Alfred saw Arthur's face turn from sad, to blank.

"….I'll be back," Arthur said in a neutral voice walking towards the door.

" Wait, where are you going?"

"I said I'll be back," he opened and closed the door. Alfred just stood there looking at the pattern in the glass on the door. After he snapped out of it, he looked down at his journal that he was still holding onto, and ran upstairs to his room. He closed the door then moved his drawer in front of the door so no one would be able to get in. He down his journal on his bed and went to the bathroom to throw up. After he did that, he sat on his bed and got a pen, and started to write in his journal again.

**Iggy is confronting me about not eating so much. I lied to him saying I'm fine, but he can tell that I'm lying. He even told me he told France, and everybody knows that if France knows, he'll make sure that ****everyone**** knows. So by now half of the world knows of what I've been doing and this situation's going to get worser and worser. Even just saying that I'm fine makes me want to throw up more than I do now. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself! I just…don't want to eat, but I want to eat, but I don't want to! I still feel fat even though I'm like 108 pounds. I don't see my ribs; I still see tons of grossness and stuff. I just threw up again from my nerves getting to me. What am I going to do? I just want to go back in time and just stop myself from inviting Iggy over and saying anything to anyone. **

Alfred heard a knock at his door.

"Alfred!"

Alfred quickly put his journal under his mattress, moved the drawer, and opened the door. Arthur pretty much let himself in holding a bag of something.

"You wanted to prove to me you're fine right? Well here, if you eat this and **not **throw it up, I'll stop bothering you about your weight,"

"What is that?"

"It's your favorite—well, it _was_ your favorite," Arthur held up a McDonald's bag and a drink, "One Big Mac, fries, and a Coke."

"Dude I already told you, I don't like McDonalds anymore,"

"Well the Alfred I know even if he lost weight would still eat it," Arthur went over to Alfred's bed-side table and took out the food. He placed the Big Mac, fries, and drink on it, "You don't have to eat it all at once, but you still have to eat it."

Alfred had a hesitated look on his face whether he should even try to eat it or not.

"Here, I'll tell you what. Eat one bite of the burger, three fries, and a sip of the soda, and I'll be satisfied."

"…fine, I'll do it."

"Take your time if you want, but I'm not leaving until you do it."

Alfred walked over to the food and look at the bright colors of the meal. The golden fries, the tan bun with little white dots of sesame seeds, the fresh green lettuce; he went on in his mind. He picked up the burger and could soon feel his senses desperately grasping the smell and taste of the burger. The mix of the smell of the pickles with the special sauce made his mind go nuts. He took a bite of the burger. The bite had a little bit of everything in the burger from the meat to the cheese to the lettuce, pickles, and sauce. He swallowed and put the burger down. Then he looked towards the fries and picked up one. He picked up a long, crunchy fry, drenched in salt. He felt a sudden delight when he bit into the fry and soon took another one, and soon the third one. Then he took a hold of the cold 20oz drink. He took a sip of the drink and felt the massive amounts of sugar flow from his mouth down to his stomach. The slight burn of the citric acid was heavenly. It took all his willpower not to bite back or sip anything as he looked back at England.

"There, happy?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: **I hope you guys are liking the story so far! I hope none of ya'll are like, "When is the AmericaxJapan stuff going to start? WOMAN I AM GETTING TIRED OF YOU STALLING!" It will happen soon! Like a few chapter's soon! I have the tendency to write long stories so if it seems like it's taking forever, my bad. If you don't know this or not, but this is going to be a long story. I'm not even sure how many chapter's they'll be to tell you the truth! Isn't that exciting? *dumb happy face and clapping like an idiot*

Also, if you don't know this or not, **there will be no yaoi**. (And now I just lost half of the people reading this. JK, that was offensive... D: ) There will be a romance thing, but I just had those stories where it's all sad and stuff then SEX! It's like, you're emotionally unstable and stuff, but you have the time to have sex suddenly. I don't know, it gets on my nerves. :/ Not to mention I'm not at that point in my writing to where I can write stuff like that.

Enjoy!

* * *

"…"

"See? I'm fine. I ate what you told me to, and I'm not having a nervous breakdown."

"I…I guess I was wrong then,"

"Now can we please stop this and have a good time?"

"I guess…just don't lose any more weight okay?"

"Fine," Alfred sighed, "What time is it anyways?"

"About 5 p.m., why?"

"Wanna go see a movie? There's this awesome one out with robots and destruction—it's awesome. AND it's in 3D!"

"Sure, why not?"

Later that night Arthur and Alfred went to see the movie. They got a small popcorn and Alfred surprisingly ate most of it leaving barley any left for Arthur. Alfred loved every second of the movie while Arthur sat there like it was the dumbest thing he'd ever seen. As they got out of the theater Alfred started babbling about his favorite parts about the movie.

"Do you remember that one part when that guy totally destroyed all that stuff? Wasn't it awesome? And then the other part where that guy was like, 'I'll kill you,' and the other guy was like, 'Yeah right,' and they had that awesome fight with the guns that robot showed up and killed them both! Holy shit I didn't see that coming. Robots are great aren't they?"

"Yeah I guess…"

"…Iggy are you about to go off on how that movie was stupid and random violence is stupid and how I'm stupid?"

"What? No, I was just off in my own thoughts."

"Oh, well do you want to do anything else?"

"Not really, I'm actually kind of tired,"

"Come on old man, let's do something!"

"Stop calling me old! I'm not old!"

"Then let's do something!"

"Fine fine. How about…Laser Tag?"

"Now you're talking!"

Arthur and Alfred got to the Laser Tag place and played three games worth. Since it was a Saturday night, there were a bunch of people there too. They were put on opposite teams so every time a new game started they went after each other. The kids were easy targets, but sometimes old veterans got in the way and would get them if they weren't paying attention. When the scores came out Alfred came in 1st place and did the most embarrassing victory dance in front of England that made everyone else laugh. Afterwards they were both tired so they drove back to Alfred's place.

"You didn't have to gloat in front of the whole place Alfred. You really embarrassed me!"

"But it was so awesome that I won! I just had to rub it in your face," Alfred laughed.

"Alfred pay attention to your driving! Your laughter almost ran us off the road!"

"Okay, _mom_," Alfred laughed even harder, "Or should I say _mum_,"

"Fuck you; I'm just trying to get us not killed,"

"Hahaha. I had a great time tonight Iggy, we should do this more often."

"To tell you the truth, I actually had a nice time too,"

For the rest of the drive, there was no conversation and Alfred was blasting pop music while Arthur was thinking (or trying to think. It's kind of hard to think with Ke$ha blasting in your ears). Seeing Alfred this happy worried him. He had a breakdown hours ago saying that he hated himself, yet with that idiot grin on his face didn't ever give you the impression that he hated himself. Before Arthur knew it they came up to Alfred's driveway. Alfred shut off the car and was about to get out but noticed Arthur had a worried look on his face.

"Hey Iggy," Arthur didn't answer, "Iggy!"

"Huh? Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes, I just was in my thoughts again."

"You've been doing that a lot tonight, are you sure you're alright?"

"…"

"Iggy?"

"It's just…I was thinking about earlier when you blew up at me saying that you hated yourself….is that really how you feel about yourself?"

Alfred didn't say anything and just got out of the car.

"Shit, what have I've done, Alfred wait," Arthur said getting out of the car running up to Alfred, "I didn't mean to bring it up again I just—"

"Don't I meant what I said and I said what I meant," and he unlocked the door and went in.

"…Isn't that from a Dr. Sues book?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

That was a weird way of putting it, but Alfred is still pretty much saying that he hates himself.

"…you don't want to talk about it or anything?"

"No, I'd rather not," Alfred said in a serious tone.

"….."

"Well, I'm tired, so I think I'm going to go to bed."

"But its 10:30…don't you usually watch Saturday Night Live right now?"

"I would, but lately I've been going to sleep real early, it's weird, so I'd probably just fall asleep while watching it. Night!"

"Good Night," Arthur said as Alfred went upstairs.

As Alfred went upstairs he changed into his boxers alone and got into bed. He pulled out his journal from under his mattress and began to write.

**Tonight turned out to be a really fun time! Iggy and I went to see a movie and then play Laser Tag! I (of course) won and did an awesome gloat dance that really embarrassed him. But the car ride home got awkward when he asked me if I really did hate myself. I avoided the question because I'm not even sure myself. I mean, I've gotten to the point where I look back at the thing I've done and it makes me realize why so many people hate me. I mean a monkey could've made better choices than me! Now I'm trying to get my shit together, but it's a lot harder than I thought. I forgot how much effort you have to do to change things. It's going to take forever to change them, and the process of doing it won't really help how I feel about myself currently. The worst part is that none of the countries probably feel sorry for (besides Iggy, but I bet deep down inside he's glad I'm suffering) me. They're probably like, "That's what he gets for being an idiot," or something like that. Especially Matthew, I know he's my brother and all, but he likes to show that I'm wrong, and all of this will just make his day. I just thought I was helping the world when I was really ruining it. **

Alfred could feel the tears coming down on his face and closed his journal. He put the journal back under his mattress and turned off the light as he cried in the darkness to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **Gaaah! I love this chapter! Because stuff happens and I can't hold in my excitement! We're finally moving on ya'll WE'RE FINALLY MOVING ON! :D Enjoy!

Paranoid Moment: ...wait, if I love this so much that means it's probably not that good... *sob* enjoy...i guess.

* * *

Alfred suddenly opened his eyes to himself in a black room with nothing but himself and a mirror. He looked around to see that there was nothing there, then looked in the mirror and yelled in horror. He was morbidly obese and couldn't believe his eyes, but as soon as he looked for himself he was the skinniest thing he'd ever seen. His fingers were so small that he saw one of them break off and fall to the floor. That freaked him out more, until he heard the voices.

"You're in idiot,"

"Look what you've done to the world,"

"You're a failure,"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Alfred cried.

The insults started to swirl around his head getting louder and louder.

"Obese,"

"You're fat,"

"Disgusting,"

"A disgrace,"

"A nuisance,"

"Just die,"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! **SHUT UP!**"

As he yelled louder and louder the voice grew louder, and his body began to grow fatter in the mirror and in real life more of his body parts to started to come off until his eyes fell out one by one along with his head coming off and fell to the ground. Alfred sprung from his bed in a cold sweat to see that it was just a nightmare. He'd never felt so bad in his life. Usually if he felt down he'd eat something to comfort himself. He wanted to eat something. He needed to eat something. He turned on his lamp and saw that the burger fries and drink were still in the same place as earlier today. He couldn't take it anymore and gorged down the burger, fries, and drink (even though it was mostly water since the ice melted) in a matter of minutes. He'd never felt so much more like himself in so long. When he finished he realized he needed to pee, so he went into the bathroom and then saw his face. He saw that there was sauce from the burger all over his face and felt disgusted. He cheated again. Then he thought about how he ate all that popcorn in the movies and how buttery it was. He might as well have eaten a stick of butter down his throat. He quickly went straight for the toilet to purge out all the food when he heard someone grabbed the usual finger he'd use to throw up with.

"I knew it," Arthur said as he held onto Alfred's finger.

"Iggy, when did you—"

"I heard you yelling in your sleep and went to see if you were alright or not. Looks like you lied to me," he squeezed Alfred's finger as he said those words.

"Iggy you're hurting my finger—"

Arthur wasn't about to cry again, but he sure felt that he was just stabbed in the heart. He let go of Alfred's finger and went back into Alfred's bedroom. He rubbed his temple from frustration.

"Iggy please…"

"That's it, I'm leaving right now Alfred, and I'm coming back with help,"

"W-what? Wait!"

Arthur turned around with a serious expression and tone, "Alfred, you may not see it or you're just plain lying to me, but you need help. I'm just going to sit here and watch you slowly die until it's too late," he went to his room to pack his things and Alfred followed pleading him not to do anything.

"You're not changing my decision, it's final. I care too much about to just let you do this to yourself, and myself alone is not going to help you get back to normal," Arthur said firmly.

"You don't have to do this; you don't have to do anything! Please Iggy stop I don't want this to turn into a big deal…It's not like anyone would care anyways."

Arthur stopped packing and turned around, "What did you say?"

"No one cares."

"How could you say that? Of course everyone cares—"

"NO THEY DON'T! No one cares about me. They probably don't even care that I'm starving myself and purging all the time. They'll love to see me like this; weak, trembling, and unstable. I've done too much stupid shit in the world for anyone to really care about me anymore."

"Alfred that's nonsense, everyone cares about you. Sure, you've done some things that weren't very smart, but everyone does those at some point in their lives—"

"But I've abused that! I've done it so many fucking times to the point no one wants to give me another chance to do something right. It's always one step forward and two steps back! I know Russia, France, Germany, China, Canada, Cuba, North Korea, Japan, heck I bet deep down inside you're enjoying seeing me like this."

"_I _out of everyone care about you the most you git! It hurts to see you like this; it gives me no pleasure at all!"

"Please you know you've waited to see me fall! You've been waiting since that faithful day at Yorktown!"

"…Alfred you know I don't like to talk about that,"

"Well I'm talking about it anyways! You hated how much your precious colony you lost became the most powerful country in the world and the things that I've decided throughout my existence! Now karma has come and stabbed me in the back and you're loving every single drop of blood and tear that's fallen onto the ground that's come from me."

Arthur didn't know how to respond to the hurting (yet deep) response, so he just turned around and continued packing his things without saying a word.

"Fine! Leave! It's not like I care anyways! I'm going back to bed," Alfred left in a rage back to his room where he slammed the door, which made Arthur flinch again from the sound of it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: **Geez, this chapter is long. Well, in my opinion it's long. But I like it. Glad this is finally up, feel like a jerk for not having it up earlier. But more things happen and a bigger thing will happen soon! Starting in the next chapter msginnysnape will be helping with this story too! Just thought ya'll should know. !

I feel that my Note's at the beginning of chapters have no value anymore.

Enjoy!

* * *

"It's become that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"What are you going to do?"

"That's why I came to you, I can't do this alone."

"You want my help?"

"Well there's no one else I could really think of to come to, not to mention he sees you as family,"

"He sees me as the 'Creepy Uncle'. I am not creepy!"

"That's an opinion love,"

"Whatever. And you decide to tell me this right after we had sex?"

"Well I wasn't really getting the right kind of attention I needed beforehand, so yes,"

Francis sat up from the bed, "I thought you solved everything already,"

"I…actually kind of made it worse,"

"How so?"

"Well, I kept confronting him about it and we got into multiple fights like how I described the story. I told him I was coming back with help so I don't even know how he'll react when we do go back."

"You do have the tendency to make things worse; I guess we'll have to wait for awhile before we go back. How about we go in…two weeks?"

"I guess so; I just hope he's still alive when we get there,"

"Arthur don't speak like that, we have to be positive right now for Alfred's sake!"

"Sorry, you know how I get…"

"We _all_ know how you get. Oww! Hey! That was uncalled for!"

"You had it coming Frog,"

_Two weeks later _

"That flight was horrible; I've never wanted to punch a baby so much in my life!" Francis complained.

"Let's just hope Alfred actually answers the door. He may just slam it in our faces."

Arthur and Francis had been planning what they were going to say to Alfred for the two weeks they were together (even though they weren't entirely sure on exactly what they were going to say, they had an idea). A lot of other countries called them since Alfred wasn't answering their calls when they asked how he was. They had to tell them they didn't know themselves and were going to check on him soon, and could tell how the rest of the world was worried about his condition since Francis sent that picture of Alfred to everyone. Arthur wanted to show Alfred the messages they got from everybody to show him that people really do care about him. Arthur stands right at the door wanting to ring the doorbell but afraid what'll happen when they do. What would Alfred do when they saw them? Would he slam the door on their faces, sob into their arms from just the sight of them showing that they care, or somewhere in between? Arthur ringed the doorbell and waited. They probably waited for a minute or so and he rung it again. It was Saturday, but it was around 9:00am so he didn't even know if he was awake or not. They waited a little longer until Alfred opened his door to where Francis and Arthur could only see his eyes, looking as if death almost had them in his grasp.

"…What are you doing here?"

"We—"

"We wanted to talk to you Alfred," Francis interrupted Arthur.

"About what?"

"Your condition,"

"….," Alfred just looked at them for a moment, and then tried closing the door when Francis caught it with his foot.

"We're not here to hurt you Alfred, we're just here to help," Francis said struggling to hold his foot in place.

"No, I'm sorry you traveled far for no reason but I don't want anything to do with you guys for awhile," Alfred started to push harder on the door.

"At least let us here your part before we even try to say anything. Just give us a chance. And you can keep trying to close the door on my foot; it'll still be there even if it splits in two. Doesn't that at least show that I care a little?"

Francis and Arthur felt a coldness yet lack of life coming from Alfred's gaze as they waited for a response from him.

"…fine, get in," Alfred said as he opened the door slowly. They looked at him and he looked pale and fragile. It looked like they'd come just in time, and waiting another week would've resulted in planning a funeral.

Francis and Arthur walked into Alfred's house. Alfred sat in the arm chair and gestured for Arthur and Francis to sit on the couch. Arthur sat looking nervous, Francis determined, and Alfred irritated.

"Look, I really don't understand why you guys keep confronting me about stuff; I keep telling you I'm fine!"

"Alfred," Francis began, "you don't look fine at all. You look sick."

"I'm just on a diet okay? There's nothing to worry about,"

"Alfred you act like your blow ups at me never happened, we know you think there's something wrong with you," Arthur accused.

"…I should've never let you guys in,"

"Please Alfred just listen—"

"No! You listen!" Alfred erupted, "I was just having a rough time when Arthur came over, okay? I was just acting kind of emo and stuff, but I had a while to think things over and I'm fine now, so let's drop this bull you keep putting on me!"

"What did you eat for breakfast today then?"

"A bowl of cereal, finished right before you stopped by unexpectedly,"

Arthur stood up, "So if I go into your kitchen right now, I'll see a dirty bowl in the sink."

"Well I washed it—"

"So it'll be drying somewhere?"

"…"

"You didn't eat today did you?"

"Well no I was sleeping but I was about to,"

"Those bags under your eyes don't look like you've been sleeping very much,"

"Just-just stop accusing me of things! I'm not anorexic!"

"We never said anything about you being anorexic," Francis said.

Alfred didn't know what to do. He couldn't think of any excuses that could get them off his back. His mind was going into an instinctive state to where he felt cornered and about to be captured. Run, is all his mind thought of. He dashed for the door with Francis and Arthur flabbergasted at what they just saw. He just…ran.

"ALFRED WAIT!" Arthur yelled. Arthur and Francis chased after him down the street but he ran into the nearby forest and they eventually lost him.

"Dammit, what do we do now?"

"We should just go back to his house and wait for him to come back himself,"

"But who knows what he'll do? What if he tries to kill himself by jumping off a building or something?"

"Well we don't even know where he went, and we don't even know our way around this neighborhood, so we need to _stay calm_, and hope he comes back. You can't call someone missing anyways unless it's been 48 hours."

Arthur was so concerned but didn't really know how to put it into words and just kept stammering.

"Arthur, stop it, this is not the time to be like that,"

"Be like what?"

"Every time some kind of tension happens to someone and you're involved you get all emotional and take some of the attention away from the person we should be paying attention to,"

"No I don't!"

"You're doing it right now!"

"Look, I don't want to start with you right now, so I guess we'll just do what you said since you seem to know what you're doing, and see what happens, ok?"

"Fine,"

Arthur and Francis walk back to Alfred's house with hope that he'll come back before dark.


	13. Chapter 13

_**AN: **_***sigh* okay. Get your weapons ready because now you have the right to shank me. PLEASE JUST NOT IN THE FACE! It's been…holy shit it's been a month...and I feel extremely bad about it not coming out earlier. My friend and I are going to start making it come out at least once a week and probably on the weekends. Also my friend (who's account is 'Ms. Ginny Snape') wrote this chapter because from now on she'll be helping me and stuff. She's a real good writer so I hope this chapter makes you not want to shank me anymore. But if you still do, I understand. **

**Hope ya'll like it, it's written amazingly well and makes you think, "woah," cause that's what I thought when I read it. You'll see the 'woah' part. Trust me.**

**Also! Even though Japan is in this story there will be no mentioning of the earthquake/tsunami disaster. We just thought it wouldn't be right.**

**Another also! We've actually had this ready for two weeks, but there was some damn error going on all over FanFiction that wouldn't let you put in stories that made me want to throw someone down the stairs. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The trees cut at him as he ran on, branches and leaves blocking his eyes. He couldn't stop. He couldn't relax. He even half expected to keep running forever, from everyone, everything.  
What Alfred didn't expect, though, was to fall. But fall he did. He skid and finally came to a stop down a small cliff—he was lucky he hadn't died. Alfred—slowly, painfully—got up, holding his head. He could tell he was bleeding. He felt like lying down and never getting up again. And he wasn't sure if it was because he hurt, or because of...those two...  
"Damnit, Iggy, I don't _need_ help." His shaky voice was what alerted Alfred to the fact he was on the verge of a break down. Damn it. Hero's don't cry. Arthur cries, Francis cries, Matthew cries...but not him. He refused to be a victim (which was probably why he wouldn't admit he had a problem; because he didn't; he didn't have a problem).

And so—with a very angry heart and a twisted ankle—he began to limb his way away from this cliff, trying to listen for traffic so he could find his way back. And only then, when he started really listening, did he hear the rustling; like someone was slowly edging their way to him.  
"Who...who's there?" He exclaimed, looking around. Nothing. But that noise. He was beginning to get really freaked out. Late nights with scary movies and horror stories were starting to catch back up with him.  
"I...I'm not afraid of you!" He yelled, more to himself than whatever it was. And whatever it was was coming closer. Closer, closer...this would be a horrible way for a Hero to die. And so, just as it was there, much louder than before, Alfred raised his arms in an X to protect himself, when,  
"...Alfred?"  
..._Kiku__?_  
Alfred lowered his arms, and stared, face to face, with Kiku, one of his closest friends. Just how far away from his house was he?  
"...I-I-" He stammered, but Kiku cut in.  
"...your thinner."  
He said it so...emotionlessly. And like Alfred wasn't covered in cuts in a defensive position.  
"I-I am?" Alfred said in response, having forgotten—for two seconds—about his 'problem'.  
"Thinner and...Ghastly. What are you doing here?" Kiku said such things in such a monotone voice Alfred wasn't sure he actually cared. But he answered anyway.  
"I-I...I had to get away from Iggy and the Frog." He mumbled, looking down. He felt like an idiot from running so far from them when all they wanted to do was help, even if he didn't **need** it.  
"Did you come here...to die?"  
That caught Alfred off guard. He looked up, surprised. Kiku seemed completely serious. "...no."  
"...I did."

Alfred didn't know how to respond. So for about two minutes, they stood there, staring, Alfred in cuts and bruises and Kiku in his majestic white kimono looking to the entire world like a prince. But Kiku broke said silence.  
"I take it that surprises you?" Kiku posed it almost as a question, before beginning to lower himself, sitting down. Alfred just stared at him.

"It shouldn't. Obviously, by your weight...you've come close to death, yourself. In fact, you're on the edge. Amazing you can still run so freely."  
Kiku, in Alfred's eyes, wasn't making any sense, "I-I-"  
"Shh," Kiku stood up, "I was coming here to fade away, but seeing you like this...I guess I've changed my mind. Come, I have a story to tell. It might help."

And so he stood, turning without waiting for Alfred, as if he knew for certain Alfred would follow. And he did. Something about the smaller male made him unable to just stand there. And plus, how would he get out of this forest otherwise?

"...Alfred, children are running culture."

It was such a random statement Alfred—once again—didn't know what to say, except,

"...what?"

Kiku sighed, long breath in, then out, "Children are supposed to take care of their elders when they grow up. It's simply the duty of the respectful child. Obedience is the norm here, America. Are children are supposed to protect us as we did them when they were young and helpless. And the fact is they don't. Not only that, but..." Kiku stopped, looking visible frustrated, if only slightly, "last generation doesn't want to reproduce. So many foreigners are coming and coming and going and no one is truly Japanese anymore. They simply live here."

Silence stretched on. Light danced on Japan's face, giving his pale skin a glow look. It wasn't pretty, but...haunting. Like a ghost. Alfred shuddered.

"...so I came here." Kiku looked up at something specific, and Alfred turned, realizing he had had his eyes on Kiku the entire shrine. In front of them was a small shrine, "This place is commonly known as 'Suicide Forest'. So many people come here to die. Mothers whose children died in child birth. Samurai whose honor had been stripped. Children who had been disowned. Priests. Workers. Doctors. Farmers. Men. Women. All died. Here"

Alfred took this as a time to speak. "...s-so you really came here to die, because of...culture."

Kiku turned on him, eyes narrowed. Alfred stepped back, alarmed. He'd only seen that look once, August 6, 1945.

"...America, you have it better then you think you do," Japan suddenly said, his eyes still narrowed, "people don't expect much from you—but what they do expect, you do it well. Despite being portrayed as an idiot, African people want so badly to live there, because you're the land of the free. The only health problem you have to deal with besides cancer—we ALL have to deal with that—is obesity. And that's it. Being fat. That's the only health problem you have. Is that really something to be ashamed of?"

Alfred didn't answer. He was stunned. Kiku...was talking to him like this, and what's weirder, is Alfred knew he was right. It was...it was a good thing that's the only thing wrong with him. At least he's hot wearing a white robe and thinking of killing himself.

Kiku walked up to Alfred, his eyes back to normal, cloudy once more, "Go back home. And I will too. You've shown me that while culture is important, I must keep my pride, as you must keep yours. England and France care about. They're your family, as China is—or was—to me. You can't throw that away if you're this wrong. Go home." Japan gently pressed his hand to Alfred's chest, and put pressure on it, as a sign to leave. Alfred could for a few minutes, before he nodded very fast.

"I...I-I will."

By now, he could hear cars again; they had cleared the dense part of the woods. He took one last look at the strange man in front of him, and turned, running from the spot with the determination of a hero. Behind him, Kiku watched silently, wondering if the man had any idea how interesting he was.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: **Writing this story has been so much fun! I hope ya'll don't think it's too long, I have a huge problem with making stories longer than they could be; but that just means more things are explained in a better way. :) I...I'm not exactly sure what else to say...err...umm...bleh. Just, enjoy, my brain stopped working the moment I woke up today so I can't think of anything awesome.

Enjoy!

* * *

Francis and Arthur sat still on the couch as they listened to everyone second the clock made. It'd been 2 hours. Arthur didn't say anything to so he wouldn't upset Francis, and Francis didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. Then they saw the door burst open, and Alfred limp inside with cuts, bruises, and a twisted ankle.

"Alfred!" Arthur yelled in relief. He saw Alfred was hurt, but at least he was safe.

Alfred acknowledged them, but limped towards the couch and sat down, grieving from the pain of his ankle.

"Goodness what happened to you?" Arthur asked as he came around to Alfred while Francis went to find some kind of emergency kit.

"…I saw Kiku," Alfred said calmly.

"…what?"

"When I ran, I tripped and fell down a cliff. When I got up I was all hurt like this, and Kiku all of a sudden showed up saying he we were in Suicide Forest…" Alfred paused to catch his breath.

"Wait, isn't Suicide Forest in Japan?"

"Well to tell you the truth I was wondering the same thing, I didn't think I fell _that _far through and ended up all the way in Japan so I was really confused-wait, that's not the point-so we talked and…he made me come to my senses; kind of, at least to come back. I'm sorry I ran away,"

"It's okay, I'm just glad you're alive,"

The word 'alive' reminded Alfred of something else that happened in his conference with Kiku, and made him sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Kiku he…," Alfred began, "he was actually there to die."

There was silence as if Alfred told Arthur that Kiku just died.

"…what? W-where is he now?"

"I…I actually don't know. He told me to come back, and…it didn't seem like the time to disobey him," Alfred didn't actually think about what happened to Kiku. He could be dead right now, or maybe he went back home. But now he felt stupid, his best friend helped him out, and he just walked out on him, "Dammit I'm so stupid! Why did I leave? I should've gone back for him."

"Alfred don't start blaming yourself, even if you tried to reason with him he probably wouldn't have listened, you know him," Arthur lectured.

"But what if he's dead now?"

"Look, you stay here and I'll call him. You know he doesn't make big decisions unless he's thought it over 110%," Arthur went to the other room to call Kiku while Alfred sat there letting his misery drown him.

Francis was upstairs looking for some kind of bandages or at least some peroxide to disinfect Alfred's wounds. He went into Alfred's bathroom without even thinking and opened up the cabinets. There were 5 orange bottles of diet pills empty, and 2 more full. No wonder Alfred looked even smaller. But this wasn't the time to think about that, he needed to find something for Alfred's wounds. He eventually found some peroxide and couldn't find any bandages, so he got some paper towels and came back downstairs. He saw Alfred sitting in the same place looking even more depressed than he did before and Arthur gone.

"Alfred," Francis said sternly. Alfred looked up and saw the peroxide and paper towels.

"I couldn't find any bandages, but these will do to clean you up," Francis sat next to Alfred, taking one of his arms and swiped it with a paper towel with peroxide dabbed on it. Alfred hissed at the stinging of the germs, but held still, "so, what made you decide to come back?"

"Well, I first fell down a cliff—oww!—and then when I came to I saw Kiku and he talked some sense into me. But he was there because he was going to kill himself,"

"What? Is he still there?"

"I don't know, Arthur's calling him right now," Right as Alfred said that Arthur came back in the room.

"Well? Is he okay?"

"…I called him three times. He didn't answer," Arthur answered quietly.

"I have to go back and find him! Ah!" Alfred tried to stand up but the pain from his ankle forced him to sit down.

"You're not going anywhere," Francis said as if he were Alfred's parent.

"Francis, I'll go and see if he's okay. It's only been about 15 minutes since Alfred got here, he could still be contemplating whether he wants to do it or not," Arthur volunteered.

"Okay, I'll stay here and mend Alfred's wounds," Francis agreed.

Arthur ran outside towards the forest down the street while Francis was still making Alfred groan from the pain.

"Oww! Isn't there a less painful way to do this?"

"Well it would be if you kept the proper equipment around. Which you obviously don't,"

"Son a of a! Aah!"

"Stop complaining, I'm almost done…Hahahaha!"

"What's so funny?"

"This conversation can mean so many things!"

"What…hey! Woah! No dude, no," Alfred said moving away from Francis.

"Hahahahahahaha!"

Arthur carefully walks down the hill of forest so he doesn't end up like Alfred. Then suddenly he got caught up in a spider web and fell down into a pond.

There was silence and he waited for a couple moments until he lifted his head from the dirty water. As he got up he stood there listening to the wilderness to see if he could hear anyone around. Then he realized he was still knee deep in the pond so he got out and started walking around while ringing out his shirt.

"Kiku? Kiku!"

Arthur was afraid he made Japan run off, until he heard behind him, "What are you doing here?"

"Aaah!" Arthur screamed, "Jesus Christ you scared me,"

"What are you doing here England?"

"Oh, well…" Even though Arthur did come to talk some sense into Kiku for him not to kill himself, he realized that usually Kiku made more sense than anyone else, and now didn't know what to say to him. Japan just stared at him with his soulless eyes.

"America sent you here didn't he?"

"Er..." Arthur rubbed the back of his head, feeling stupid for an unknown reason. "...y-yeah."

"I no longer want to die, Arthur."

It was blunt, the way Kiku said that. England blinked dumbly. Kiku's face stayed stone-like as he walked over to Arthur, as if examining him.

"It was rather childish of me to think of killing myself. He reminded me."

As if Arthur had awoken from a dream, he was brought back to reality and cleared his throat.

"Yes. Well. Killing yourself isn't the answer to anything," Kiku looked mildly interested, so Arthur continued, "Japan, life is hard. We all know that. But that doesn't mean you need to escape from it...this way. Escapism in general is..." Arthur struggled for the words, but settled, "...really risky. By killing yourself, what happens to those around you? Or your nation?"

Kiku's eyes visibly lightened, "...I was just thinking the same."

With that, England let out a sharp breath. So he didn't sound stupid.

"Look. Why don't we...I don't know, 'hang out'" England winced, "or something, to make you feel better?"

Kiku shook his head, "No. You have more pressing matters to deal with, namely Alfred's wounds. Speaking of, tell him I'll be over tomorrow." England nodded, kinda expecting Japan to turn him down, before remembering something.

"Wait!" He said, as Japan was already to the edge of the thicker part of the forest. Kiku stopped. "How did Alfred and I get here?"

Japan turned his head, and, for a brief second, a smile fluttered over his mouth. He left Arthur alone with a surprised look on his face.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **Hello, I am the co-writer for HDBA. My name is unimportant. Recently, I've noticed one of two people confused about the differences between me and Mel's writing style. Let me explain:  
I write breezy. Not quite poetic-like, but softly detailed, and emotional. This kind of structure—chapters and what not—are not my normal forte`. That last full chapter I did was actually COMPLETELY different then my normal writing style and I am, frankly, quite unhappy with it. This chapter I don't mind much, but it is pretty 'meh' to me.

Also, someone said they were confused about how America ended up in 'Suicide Forest'.

Well, here, let me tell you my theory of Hetalia:  
It's a paradox.

What do I mean?

I mean that, really, the world goes back and forth between being huge and being small. How can America and Japan even be friends when Japan is awake when America is supposed to be asleep? Not only that, but in one episode, England broke out of Italy with America's help, yet, in Catalia, ALL the cats basically live in the same neighborhood.

What I mean to say is: I don't think it's really important, the distance, but at least it helps with the mysteriousness that is Kiku.

Anyway, if any of you want to contact me or anything, look me up as Ms-Ginny-Snape on FF or SuffocatingRomano on dA.

Chow~

* * *

A week passed by with Arthur and Francis constantly near Alfred for everything. Work for all three of the men was left untouched the entire time, but both Arthur and Francis said it could wait. Alfred didn't mind—he didn't even like paper work to begin with.

"Like, hi America!" Poland and Lithuania were two of the people who came by. Poland was his usual flamboyant, Valley Girl self, while Lithuania sat in the back ground with a timid smile on his face, unsure of really what to do.

"Hey, Toris, like, we should totally give America that present we picked out!"  
Lithuania, when he said that, stood up and hesitated, giving America a slim, small package and sitting back down. Inside was a card, '_Like, get well soon! XOXOX Poland, Lithuania._' and a really cool hero cape. After that, they had to leave, but America was so preoccupied with the cape he almost forgot to thank them until England smacked him over the head.

After that, Feliciano and Lovino, followed by Spain. Romano stayed pretty quite unless he was insulting Spain about something or other—which was, actually, less than normal.

"Americaaa~! I brought you some pasta," America blinked, surprised someone would bring him food—but it was on a small plate wrapped in foil. Italy smiled, and said, "I wanted to bring more, but Romano said it'd make your stomach upset, and I didn't want to do that, so he wrapped a small amount for you, with a roll and everything!"

Spain, in the background, smiled widely, "See, Romano really does care!"

"Fuck you, Spain."

America had fun laughing with everyone and eventually it was time for them to go, though it made America a bit sad, until Italy gave America a large hug, and promised to come back tomorrow.

Then, much to...everyone's surprise, Russia came.

America had been sitting there imagining what wicked cool things he'd do with that cape when he got better, when Ivan showed up. America almost made England and France make him go away, until Russia somehow ended up in the house. He walked over to the couch America laid on, and America forced a smile.

Russia was quiet for a second, before he said, "I don't like to see you hurt at anybody else's hand but mine, including yours. Get better Америка , da."

And then he just...left. It was the weirdest thing.

Eventually, things calmed down more. Fewer and fewer people crowed the living room to give Alfred space, and soon it was just him, France, and England again, all of whom were starting to act normal around each other again—I.E. Francis and Arthur bitching at each other, Alfred and Arthur fighting about whose language was better, and England almost killing Francis and Alfred with his cooking—so all was good.

It was odd, though, for Arthur, who still remembered Japan's promise to visit soon. Where was he now? Why hadn't he come? Nothing on the news talked about Japan as a country suddenly collapsing economically or anything, so obviously he was still alive, but it made England curious. More than twice, he caught himself ignoring his duties to think about it.

"What'cha doin', Iggy?" Alfred bumped rather obnoxiously into Arthur's shoulder to get his attention. The English gentlemen sniffed, scowling at the younger man.

"Nothing, America. Aren't you supposed to be lying down?"

Alfred grinned. "Francis fell asleep watching bad porn, so I snuck down here."

"He was watching porn with you?"

"Yeah. Why?"

'Iggy' rolled his eyes, and realized that, before he'd been thinking about Japan, he'd been making tea, "Nothing. Guess I shouldn't expect less from him, the frog," He poured milk in the tea, and arched an eyebrow at the matted hair Alfred had, and his inside-out shirt. He obviously had bathed in a few days—which disgusted England to no end when he did that, "Go take a shower, Alfred."

"Awwww, but I don't wanna!"  
"Do it, Alfred."

America moaned, slumping his shoulders and dragging his feet, "But I don't liiiiiiike taking showeeeeeers," He complained up until he rounded the corner into the bathroom, closing the door.

Arthur shook his head, sighing in that parental way, stirring his tea. It's a wonder that Asian man could put up with him...

At the thought of Japan, his mind clouded again, he looked over at the phone, thinking about calling him like he always did, before, once again, deciding against it. He'll show up eventually.

At that precise moment, the door bell rang. England's head snapped towards it, and he walked over, looking into the key hole.

"Speak of the Devil..." England muttered as he unlocked the door and opened it, allowing the small Japanese man to enter, looking around.

"H-hello Kiku."  
"Good afternoon, England."

England grabbed his tea from the kitchen, and leaded Kiku to the living room, sitting him down. He could faintly hear Alfred's shower still on and even fainter the sound of Alfred singing 'Take Me On' over it.

"I presume America is in the shower?"  
"Y-yeah."

Silence. Arthur kept thinking about what to say, but everything he thought, he decided against. Japan appeared fine with the silence, but he could never really know, with him.

"...so you feel better about...earlier?"  
"Yes, I do."

England mentally felt a lot better, even if he did know that Japan obviously did.

In the background, the shower turned off, and a few footsteps could be heard. Arthur turned and saw America come out in a red, white, and blue towel. He blinked, his eyes widening at his lack of apparel.

"Hey old man, d'ya think France would wake up if I-"

He stopped when he noticed the small man in the corner, who was looking away in modesty.

"...oh, hey Japan! Didn't see you there. Wait a few minutes, I'll go get clothes," America rushed out of the room, and a few minutes later came back in wearing pajamas which had Obama's smiling face plastered all over them, "What's up, Kiku?"

Kiku cleared his throat, and, with a slight redness in his face, said, "Good afternoon, America. I figured it was time for me to come over and give you my best wishes."

America grinned at him, plopping down on the couch next to him, grabbing a half-drunk glass of OJ (One of the 'ok' things on Francis's 'What-And What Not To-Eat' list).

"Well, thanks Kiku! I appreciate it, a lot! How are you?"

"Pleasant. I heard you didn't allow Russia over here?"  
"Yeah, I still don't like him."

"Well, you shouldn't. I don't trust him either."  
The rest of the conversation lasted like that. They'd dive into subjects Arthur knew nothing about—Video games, comics, cartoons, scary movies...most of the talking was done by America, but Japan would pitch in occasionally.

"...and so they ended Thunder Cats! Can you BELIEVE that?"

"That was done unjustly."

"Exactly! Thank you!"

America leaned back, stretching, "Man, I missed talking to you, Kiku, dude. Nobody else knows about this kinda stuff."

"It's a shame."  
"Yeah!"

The clock now read 8:39 PM. Japan frowned. "I have to go," He said, standing up. America pouted, but once he looked at the time, nodded. "Yeah, you should get going. See ya again soon?"  
"Of course."

On his way out, Kiku stopped by England—America was going to wake France up—and rested his hand on his shoulder.  
"He'll be better soon," He said, with such solitude in his voice, it sounded like fact. Arthur smiled, and nodded, "Thank you."

Kiku nodded back, and turned, leaving. England watched him until the door shut, and sighed. Sometimes, Kiku really confused him.


	16. Chapter 16

_**AN:** Wow wow wow, this chapter is loooooooooooooong. Well, longer than the others, there was just so much to say though! With the stuff and the things and the...well, you get the picture. This chapter is like a total 'aww' moment with an 'oh no!' and then a 'yay!' *tear* moment! Oh! But I also had a question for ya'll that are reading. Do you think this story is getting too long? I mean, I have a tendency to write stories that are way too long, and I was just wondering if ya'll we're like, "WILL YOU JUST WRAP IT UP LADY?" or something. :/ You can answer this in a review and all, I'd appreciate it. :) _

_Enjoy! _

* * *

**May 7, 2011**

**Wow, I was just looking for my phone in my room and I found this under my mattress, totally forgot about it. Well, since France and England are out getting some groceries, I guess I can write in here. **

**It's weird, I feel…better. Slightly. Francis made me start eating 3 small meals a day and I have to have a least 1 serving of orange juice a day (but that's okay, I like orange juice, and it's not fattening). The first day was horrible, when France gave me the small plate of food; I sat there for at least two hours because I didn't want to eat it. Iggy and Francis took shifts every half hour waiting for me to eat but I wouldn't. Then eventually I took one bite just so they'd get off my backs, but I forgot this was Francis's food, and it was really good. I ate it all. They were happy I ate it, and left me alone. Even though the food was delicious, I felt bad that I actually ate something, and snuck past them in the living room to go throw it up. To my surprise, they built some bar-thing that had a lock to the door and I couldn't open it! Then I went to the other bathroom they were using and they did the same thing! I was frustrated, and I knew with my awesome super-strength I could've just busted the door open, but then they'd hear me and know what I was doing and they'd lecture me and so on. **

**Now I'm getting used to it, sort of. I like eating Francis's food, but…I still hate that I'm eating in general. I can tell since it's been about two weeks they've been here that I've slightly gained some weight back. I have more energy and I don't faint anymore, but…I still want to throw up. I still want to stop eating. I analyze (look! I used a big word!) Everything I eat/drink and estimate how many calories I've taken in. Everyday I've taken in at least 700 calories. 700…such a big number. Just thinking of that number makes me want to purge. But I always have to tell Iggy or Francis when I have to go to the bathroom so they can unlock the door for me, and they won't let me turn on the faucet until I'm done going (to make sure I'm not just masking the purging sound), but what was creepy was that Francis offered that 'just to make sure' I don't throw up that he watches me…go. Eww. EWW AAAAH THAT'S SO GROSS! Of course Iggy was there to say no, and just stand by the door to make sure I wasn't. God can't Francis just not be perverted for one—**

America suddenly hears a loud knock from the front door. He jumps from the sudden noise, closes his journal and runs downstairs. He knows Iggy and Francis have a key, so he has no idea who it could be. He opens the door and to his surprise it's…crap! What's his name again?

"Hello Alfred,"

Alfred caught by surprise that it was his brother, totally forgets his name (even though he'd been trying to remember it, for some reason every time he appears Alfred goes blank).

"Uh…hey…what-what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you of course! Sorry I haven't come in the past week, I've been busy with the recent election and all,"

Alfred stood there speechless. Even though he got a calm head from what he said earlier about how 'no one cares about him', he still felt…MATTHEW! THAT'S HIS NAME! He still felt Matthew wouldn't care, and that's the reason why he hadn't come like the other nations.

"Alfred? Hello, earth to Alfred!"

"…why are you here?" Alfred mumbled.

"Huh? What did you say?"

"Um, never mind, come in," Alfred offered.

"Thanks," Matthew went into Alfred's house. It was weird though, usually when he came in it smelled like McDonalds and body odor, but instead it smelled like his Francis's cooking, "So, how are you doing?"

"Uh, fine I guess,"

"Are you sure? Usually you'd be talking to me about a bunch of stuff by now; you're actually awfully quiet,"

"I'm just surprised you came,"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…I thought you didn't care about me and my…situation,"

"What? Of course I care about you and what's happening to you! I'm your brother! When I found out I was so worried about you, I seriously didn't expect you do go this far or know how you really felt about yourself,"

"…"

"Did you seriously think I would get a thrill to see you weak and sad?"

"…"

"…Alfred…"

Alfred went and sat on the living room couch and Matthew sat next to him.

"I…," Alfred began, "I just thought that after I've always been a jerk to you and forgotten your name all these years…that you'd love to see me all screwed up and stuff, and now that it's happened you wouldn't care less,"

"I would never do something to you like that! I mean you piss me off a lot but that doesn't mean I'm going to hate you and hope something bad happens to you. I'll always love you, you're my big brother," Matthew said smiling again to Alfred.

Alfred surprised at that response, didn't know how to respond. He then started to tear up.

"I," Alfred sniffled, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be crying,"

"It's okay, you know I don't care," Matthew said as he gave Alfred a hug. It felt weird hugging his brother and Alfred not being bigger than him, Matthew was usually the smaller of the twins. He really was small...so small.

Soon their moment was interrupted by the sudden sound of the door open with Arthur and Francis back with a couple bags of groceries in their hands. Alfred suddenly pushed Matthew away from him and wiped his eyes quickly so Arthur and Francis couldn't see his tears.

"Oh Matthew! We weren't expecting to be here, it's good to see you," Francis proclaimed.

"Hi Papa, it's nice to see you too, sorry I came so unexpected, I forgot to call earlier to say I was coming today,"

"It's okay, we have plenty of food for all of us if you want to stay the night," Arthur offered.

"Yeah Mattie! Can you please stay the night? We haven't had a sleepover in ages!" Alfred shouted.

"Oh, well, I guess as long as its okay with you guys,"

"YAY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER!" Alfred shouted like a little kid, "We can watch scary movies and play a bunch of video games and eat a…err, YEAH!"

Matthew chuckled at seeing Alfred being himself again. After what Francis described him being like when they first got there scared him. Thinking Alfred was sad, emotionless and pretty much dead inside was something he really couldn't imagine.

"Hey Matthew, want to help me with dinner? You can make your famous pancakes!" France asked.

"Sure!"

Matthew followed Francis and Arthur into the kitchen leaving Alfred alone in the living room. _"He…doesn't hate me,"_ Alfred thought, _"what a relief."_

That night they pretty much had breakfast for dinner eating Matthew's pancakes and some juice. Arthur was kind of frustrated because he wanted to cook too but Francis protested him not make any food. Everyone was chatting at the table for what was about an hour, until Matthew noticed something: everyone had eaten something except Alfred. Usually when Matthew made pancakes Alfred would be the first to gorge down his pancakes that were drenched in syrup, but now he's really seeing how bad Alfred's condition is.

"Hey Alfred," Matthew said.

"Huh? Yeah?"

"Aren't you going to eat, your pancakes have been sitting there for at least an hour, you haven't even put any syrup on them,"

"Oh, I hadn't noticed,"

The room suddenly fell silent as everyone at the table was brought back into reality.

"Alfred, at least have, a couple bites, I made them especially for you," Matthew said softly.

"I will I will! I just got caught up in the conversation, that's all."

They began another conversation that went on for another half hour and Matthew noticed again that Alfred still hadn't touched his pancakes; they were for sure cold by now.

"Alfred,"

"Hm?"

"You…you still haven't eaten,"

"…"

"Here, let me warm them up in the microwave," Matthew stood up and walked to Alfred's seat, "they must be cold by now," he picked up Alfred's plate and walked into the kitchen. When Matthew went into the kitchen Alfred had a frown on his face. He was having the urges not to eat again. He knew he had to eat at some point but he really didn't want to eat…at all.

"Alfred," Arthur suddenly said, "why aren't you eating?"

"I just…don't want anything,"

"You have to eat something; you know we're not going to let you leave the table unless you finish them,"

"I know I know I just…" Alfred didn't know how else to put it, he felt the urge to starve himself again, and couldn't help but not eat Matthew's delicious pancakes. He just kept thinking of all the ingredients in the pancake, how much fat was in it, how many calories, and then having to put syrup on them? Even if they tasted great, he felt if he ate them he'd gain back all his weight and become fat.

"You don't have to eat them if you don't want to," Matthew suddenly appeared next to Alfred back with his pancakes warmed up, "we can save them for breakfast for tomorrow,"

"No," Francis began, "he has to have three small meals a day so he can get back into the rhythm of having a normal diet,"

Matthew didn't know what to do, so he took one of the pancakes from Alfred's plate leaving one left, put a little syrup on the one left on the plate, then cut it into pieces, "There," he said, "now you don't have to eat much, I didn't mean to give you so much food to the where you don't want to eat,"

"No Mattie it's not you," Alfred mumbled, "I bet your pancakes much taste amazing but I just…don't want to eat."

"…can you at least have one of the pieces I cut you?" Matthew had the pleading face of a puppy that made Alfred break and slowly grab his fork. He picked up the smallest piece of pancake he could find on the plate, and put it in his mouth. He didn't even chew it, just swallowed it.

"There, can I leave now?"

Matthew didn't know what to think of what just happened. Looking at Alfred on how he's so small, and didn't even look like he enjoyed having that one piece of pancake. He felt like he needed to do something, but knew he could do nothing.

"Alfred, please eat," Matthew said quietly and sadly, "I hate to see you like this, it's so unlike you," a tear ran down his face, "at…at least finish that one pancake. Just one. Please."

"Matthew," Francis said.

Matthew sniffed and rubbed his eyes, "Sorry, there's no reason for me to be like this. Here," he stood up, "I'll take everyone else's plates to wash," he went around the table getting his, Francis's, and Arthur's plates and went to the kitchen. When he finished washing the dishes, he turned around to see Alfred standing behind him. Matthew jumped because he didn't even hear Alfred come in, but then looked at what Alfred had in his hands.

"Mattie, I hate seeing you cry," Alfred began. Matthew was surprised by what he saw. Alfred was holding his plate and it was empty. He ate the pancake. Matthew took the plate from Alfred, examining it then washing it in the sink.

"Hey Mattie, we're going to go play Just Dance 2, when you're done do you wanna join us?"

"Sure, I'll be there in a sec," Matthew replied. Alfred left the kitchen and went into the living room to set up the game.

"Get better soon Alfred," Matthew whispered to himself as he finished with the dish. He headed towards the room overhearing Alfred how he wants Mattie to be on his team.


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: **What has happened over the cross three months: Miscommunications with friend, a month of 'vacation' in a different country, then summer projects I had to finish before going back to school. This chapter is short but I'm about to post the next chapter after this. THE STORY SHALL NOW COMMENCE! heh, it's kind of like the Fall schedual line up you know?

...ya'll are still mad aren't you?

...

Enjoy...

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"You two need a break."

England sighed. Alfred told him that...what, yesterday? And he was right. He hardly knew what day it was anymore. He hadn't really showered much. He hadn't done...much of anything, besides look after Alfred. And...well, Francis wasn't very different. Though his behavior was even being affected, and at least Arthur was still acting the same.

"What are we going to do, Francis? It's not like we can leave him alone."

"Yes, but who would watch him?"

"Well, we can't ask Matthew, and we can't ask any of the other European nations...wait. What about Japan?"

And so Arthur went off to visit the Asian nation, while Francis watched after Alfred. He hesitated knocking, but didn't need to, as Japan opened the door.

"England?" His voice only had a faint tone of surprise. But at least it was there.

"I...could you look after Alfred for us?"

Japan blinked, opening the door. "...here. Explain inside."

Kiku lead Arthur to his living room, and Arthur looked around. He'd been here a few times, and had always had pleasant experiences. Kiku was quite hospitable.

"Here, sit. I will make of tea."

Arthur opened his mouth to say that wasn't necessary, but Kiku was gone. He looked around again, and saw a magazine in English. He blinked, leaning forward and looking at it. At a second, more concentrated glance, it wasn't a magazine, but some sort of scrap book. It had random English sayings, and words, along with pictures of certain ones. The writing was all in Alfred's sloppy big letters, but next to it, the exact same words, written in Japan's clean, neat handwriting. Arthur thought about why it was here, then he remembered, back quite a while ago, when Japan was just opening up to the world, and America had moved in to modernize it, that Kiku had carried this around, and at various World Meetings, he would see Alfred explaining phrases and what they mean to Japan, who listened like he was the smartest person in the world.

"I wonder how much he respects Alfred," thought Arthur, putting the book down. Within seconds, Kiku came in, setting down a tray which held tea and rice balls. Kiku put a cup down in front of England, and got one too, filling both glasses until there was just enough room for sugar and cream, and grabbed a rice ball, motioning for Arthur to do the same.

They sat in silence for a minute before Kiku spoke up.

"Are you growing tired of Alfred?"

Arthur choked on his food, coughing for a second before he got himself under control, shaking his head furiously.

"Alfred is fine! It's just...We've been watching him nonstop. Francis and I hardly sleep anymore. He keeps saying we need a break, and I think we do. We just...he needs someone there. Francis and I decided you would make the most sense."

Kiku nodded, looking down for a minute, before looking back up.

"Alright. I agree."

Arthur blinked. He had been fully prepared to pay him for doing so. But the way Kiku looked; he guessed he didn't want payment.

"Alfred is a good friend of mine. The way he is right now is upsetting and confusing. Its fine, I'll help."

Arthur nodded. That made sense. "Well...thank you. I really appreciate the help. All of us do."

A flicker of a smile passed over Japan's face. "Of course, I'd do anything for him. He's my friend."


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: **I've been thinking about this chapter in my head for awhile and how it would work and I finally got it down (! Also since it's been awhile that I've written stuff I'm not going to put dates on America's journal entries. Please review, it's been awhile since I've written this and I need to know if it sucks or not. I seriously still get sad when I see a McDonalds commercial and think about this story *sniff*.

Enjoy!

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**Frances just told me that that they're finally going to leave and Kiku's going to stay with me! YAY! I mean I don't mind Iggy and Frances staying, but they just look so tired taking care of me and their work at the same time, they seriously need a break. But the thing is that Kiku called a couple hours after Iggy got home and said he's doing some project thing that won't be done until Saturday, so they're going to trust me to stay by myself and feed myself. Frances made me some meals to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and even a couple of snacks, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I promised them though that I'd do it, so I'm going to do it! I'm just really excited for Kiku coming over! He can finally help me with Portal 2, that shit is hard. Well, not all of it but sometimes I just want to throw my controller at the freaking TV because of it! And he's smart, so he'll know what to do.**

**I'm finally home! I hate work, work is so boring! It's just all papers and talking and big words and stuff. At least I got to play some black ops today, that was awesome. AND I ate all of my meals today! It was hard, it took me like an hour to finish my lunch, and even longer to finish my dinner, but at least I did it. It's harder than I thought without someone hovering over me watching to make sure I eat everything, now I can do what I want. I CAN FINALLY GO TO THE BATHROOM AND BATHE WITHOUT THINKING FRANCES IS TRYING TO BREAK IN! I swear when Iggy went to go talk to Kiku he tried to persway me to let him take a shower with me thinking I'd puke in the shower, *shudder*. It's also just weird thinking though right now that I'd probably be munching on some cheetos and drinking some coke while watching TV, and—crap! I forgot to eat a snack! Oh well, I'm sleepy and it's just a snack, it means nothing.**

**This is hard, like seriously hard. I ate half of breakfast, a little of my lunch, and no dinner. BUT I did have a snack. I don't really think that helps but I did. :p It's just…wait, why am I having trouble writing the truth in MY journal? Okay, I just don't want to eat. I just don't. I feel my stomach rumbling but I think of it as a good thing, that I won't be fat anymore. I'd rather be a stick than a…a fat, thing. Yeah. Anyways, I know I should eat or else I could die, but it's not like I ate nothing today right? I had a little or this and that! I just don't want to eat, and now that I can choose whether to eat or not, I just feel better. I mean, I'm going to not puke anymore…or at least try not to. NO, I have to stick to this diet that they gave me. It's just I don't see what's wrong with me in their point of view. To me, I still feel like I should either stay at where I am now or lose a couple more pounds. It's killing me that I don't know what I weigh, Iggy hid my weigher somewhere in the house, he said it'd be somewhere I'd never look. I don't want to get "better", but I don't want to die from not knowing how it's truly affecting me. I just can't tell. To me if I look in the mirror I still look chubby, but everyone says I look sick. Is there a point where I finally see what's "wrong" with me? Are people like me like this forever and just suck it up and eat? Ugh! I'm sick of thinking! I'm going to watch reruns of Family Guy and go to bed.**

**I ate breakfast, and then…had a snack. This isn't going well; I'm going back into my diet. And when I was looking for my phone I stumbled upon my weigher, it said I gained 7 pounds. I hate this, why can't I be normal again? I mean it's just 7 pounds…and I should like that I gained weight…but I just can't. I don't like how I have to eat, I don't like how I have to gain weight, and I certainly don't like how I know if I keep this up I'll die. And Kiku's coming over Saturday; he won't like how I haven't been eating this whole time. Would he be mad? No, he never gets mad about anything (for some reason). Maybe he'd be disappointed, or…I don't know. At least its hump day (haha, hump), and the week's almost done.**

**I only ate half of my dinner. I seriously tried to eat my breakfast but I couldn't do it, then I tried lunch and I ate it, but I…after half an hour I started to feel horrible and I threw up. I won't lie; it felt good to throw up. I mean don't you just love that moment when you throw up after you're stomach's been hurting for so long and you just feel so empty? Not like hungry empty but you're not hungry so you won't eat empty? I'd sound crazy telling this to someone but to me it feels fine. Because…I'm fine, right? I keep going back and forth on if I have a problem or not. Really, I feel fine but people keep forcing on me that I have a problem. I've been in denial the whole time they've been here, and even though I know that it's good for me to eat, deep down in my subconscious I don't want to eat. Heck I'd go working out again if Iggy hadn't gone to the gym I go to and told them not to let me in because of my "disorder".**

**IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY, EVERBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND—sorry I couldn't help myself (damn you Rebecca Black). HOLY SHIT YES ITS FRIDAY NO MORE PAPER WORK FOR TWO DAYS! Oh and I didn't eat anything today. I just…couldn't. I felt bad looking at all the food in my fridge that I didn't (want to) eat, so I gave some of it to some homeless people around the community. I don't know whether what I did was good or not. Well, I've been drinking water, so I'm pretty sure that's what's been keeping me from collapsing, and there are people in Africa who go without food for days and are still alive, one day won't hurt right? I'm just worried on what Kiku will think about what I've been doing this week. For some reason when I try to lie to him he knows that I'm lying, so I can't lie (those big brown eyes just stare into your soul sometimes you know?)…I'm just going to stop now and see what happens when Kiku get's here tomorrow. I'm kind of scared and excited at the same time. I haven't seen him in a couple months and we can do stuff. It's nice to be with a good friend around when you're having problems.**


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: **The time changed and my brain is so off *woke up at 4:30am for no reason*! Oh, anyways, hey I got this up and I like it and stuff. I'm meaning to get this done and my brain is back on track. The next chapter will be up soon (since it's already done *high five for getting ahead for once*) and...err...yeah.

Oh! This is random but I've been on this website for the past couple months that has all this funny stuff and almost every time someone posts something about america it's usually about how much we suck (we don't suck that much!), and then I guess the majority of people on there are from south america (mainly Brazil) who speak english and they get angry about how America calls itself America and not the United States because America is a continent and stuff (when really it depends on the context of the sentence)...I didn't know it was such a big deal...is it? *sigh* I don't know, it's been on my mind for while...anyways, please review and stuff (opinions makes me stronger after my self esteem lowers a little).

Enjoy!

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Alfred sat on the couch on browsing through random memes he'd find on the computer. All day he'd been waiting for Japan to come and also take his mind off of how he didn't keep his promise to eat all his meals. Even now it's about 2pm and he hasn't eaten a thing. He's excited that Japan's going to be staying with him for awhile (and surprised too because he's kind of a workaholic), but also wondering what he'll do to make sure that he eats. Oh god, he does have that Katana, but he wouldn't hurt his dear old pal…would he? Nah, he wouldn't.

As he begun to get bored he suddenly heard the doorbell ring. He sprung to his feet and ran toward the door. On his way to the door he tripped on the floor itself and stumbled the rest of the way until he grabbed the handle of the door to support himself. As he composed himself he opened the door to see Kiku standing there with a bag over his shoulder.

"Kiku!" America exclaimed.

"Hello America," Kiku bowed.

"Dude, remember just call me Alfred. Come in!" Japan walked into America's house.

"You can just throw your stuff anywhere. You know me," America said walking back to the couch.

"You've gained some weight."

America said stopping in his tracks beginning to tense up, "What?"

"You look like you've been eating, I'm glad."

"Oh," America relaxed and continued to then sit on the couch. He had to realize that sometimes Japan says things that are meant in a totally different way than he thinks.

"Is it okay for me to go to the guest room to put away my things?"

"Yeah, you don't have to ask man, you've been here so many times you can do whatever."

Japan went upstairs to put away his things. When Japan came back down the stairs and America stood up and walked towards him.

"So what do you wanna do?"

"Amer-I mean, Alfred, can I ask you something?"

"Sure!"

"Well, while I'm online sometimes and you're IMing me, you say 'it's chill', and originally I thought that meant going somewhere with someone, but the context of the conversation has nothing to do with that, so what do you mean by 'chill'?"

"Oh, well the thing is that chill can mean a couple things, it can mean we're going to chill somewhere, like a verb, or describing someone as chill, just another way of saying cool, and then saying something is chill, just means its ok."

"Oh, okay, thank you."

"No problem!"

"Sometimes your type of English is hard to understand, you use so many made-up words—"

"They're not made up! It's called Slang! You've been hanging out with Iggy too much, he always talks shit about my language, it's just all about context."

"…"

For the next couple minutes it was really quiet until America said, "So, how's life been?"

"Good I guess."

Another awkward silence began.

"…did you eat your meals?" Japan randomly asked.

"W-what?" America asked nervously, he was really hoping he wouldn't ask.

"Did you eat all the meals France prepared for you?"

"Kind of."

"What do you mean 'kind of'?"

"…"

"Did you begin to starve yourself again?" Japan said sounding a little concerned.

"Sort of…"

"Alfred—"

"Okay okay! At first I was eating and it was all good but then it got harder and harder to just eat on my own without someone staring me down forcing me to eat and I realized 'no one's here, I can do whatever I want' and so I slowly started to not eat anything and haven't eaten anything for over 24 hours and all I've had is water and I'm just saying this all at once because so some reason I can't lie to you!" America admitted and afterwards started panting after saying the run on sentence.

It took Japan a second of two to understand what America just said since he spoke so quickly. When he realized what America just said, he said, "I-I'm glad you were truthful, but that's not good."

"I know it's not good, but I couldn't help it!"

"You haven't eaten today?"

"Nu uh."

"I should make you something then."

"You don't have to—"

"Alfred I don't want you to continuing to relapse and then die," he said standing up and walking towards the door, "I'll make you something simple and small so you don't feel overwhelmed."

"…Okay. Why are you walking towards the door?"

"I'm assuming you don't have the ingredients to make the meal, so I wanted us to go to the nearest store to get some food."

"Oh, okay," America said getting up from the couch. He got his keys to his car and started to go towards the door.

"Alfred aren't you going to put on some appropriate clothing for going outside?" Japan said looking at America's current outfit, pajama pants and a t-shirt.

"Oh, yeah," he turned around and went upstairs. He came back down with just the change from his pajama pants to some baggy jeans and converse.

When they came back from the store an hour later they put the food away and Japan immediately started cooking. As he got out the cutting board and a salmon from a package they bought, America peaked over his shoulder and asked, "So wha cha makin'?"

"Nigiri Sushi,"

"Oh…" America has had sushi before and liked it, but never knew the specific names of them. He continued watching Japan prepare the meal until Japan stopped and turned to America and said, "Alfred can you please stop hovering over my shoulder?"

"Oh! Hehe, sorry," America backed off and went to the living room. He grabbed his journal and started to write in it.

**Kiku's here yay! He seems a bit nervous though, he may be afraid of saying the wrong thing to me. That thing he said earlier to me about gaining weight is still kind of eating at me though, I know he meant it in a caring way, but if he noticed I gained weight, that means everyone else can too. Also I don't know what he's going to do when he sees I take forever eating; he probably won't be as harsh as Iggy and Frances though. He's also really patient, so I wonder how long it'll take him to say something. Kiku's so cool, sometimes I think I'm lucky to have him as a friend, he may be a bit naïve, but he's still awesome. **

Japan walked into the living room, "America—"

"Alfred," America corrected.

"Sorry—Alfred, I finished the meal, please come eat," he said turning around walking towards the dining room. Alfred stood up and placed his journal on the couch and walked towards the dining room as well. He didn't bother to hide his journal because he trusted Kiku not to go through his personal belongings (at least without asking if he was even curious). He sat down at the table where his plate was. There were three pieces of sushi and a little steaming bowl of rice to the side with a spoon. Japan sat next to him with six pieces of sushi and a bigger bowl of rice with chopsticks. Japan began to eat his meal and was done within about 15 minutes. He looked to see that America had only eaten a couple bites of rice and none of his sushi. England had already told him that it takes America ages to finish eating a meal, and if it continues for longer than an hour he should be a little forceful in getting him to eat his meal. He got up to wash his dishes and came back and sat back in his seat. He saw America attempting to eat a piece of sushi, and only eating half of the piece.

"Do you like it?" Japan asked.

"Of course, I know it seems like I don't cause it's been like 20 minutes, but you know…"

"Yeah."

Soon 30 minutes passed; then 40. A little after an hour America had eaten the second half of the first sushi piece, another piece, and a couple more bites of his rice. Japan was beginning to see the true reality of America's problem.

"Hey Kiku."

Japan alarmed by the call, "Yes?"

"How do you eat rice with chopsticks?"

"…what do you mean?"

"I mean how in the world do you get clumps of rice while using those things, I've tried like a million times and only get the two little pieces of rice that didn't fall off of the chopsticks! How do you do it?"

"I don't know, I've been using them all my life so it's just become mechanical."

There was silence for a couple more minutes until Japan went over to America and grabbed his bowl of rice, "It must be cold by now, let me warm it up," he went to the kitchen and microwaved the rice, then came back a minute later. America was still sitting there with the one piece of sushi left, looking sorrowful. It'd been an hour and a half and Japan still waited for him.

"Heh," America chuckled to himself.

"What's so funny?" Japan asked curiously.

"Usually by now Iggy would be nagging on how I should finish already, I knew you were patient but not this patient Kiku."

"Well I was about to say something, but you've seem to have noticed your actions already."

"…do I have to finish?"

"Yes, you do."

"…"

"Alfred it's just a little more."

"I know."

After another 10 minutes Japan stood up and picked up Americas food.

"You don't have to warm it up again Kiku, its fine."

"No, I'm putting it in the fridge, you can go."

"…really?"

"Yes, but this is the only time I'm going to let this go, seeing as you sort of relapsed while no one was here, I probably underestimated how much food you would eat."

"O-oh."

Japan walked into the kitchen with America's food. America was actually surprised that that happened, he was seriously wondering what Japan was going to do if he didn't eat any longer. He cautiously got up from the table as if Japan was going to come in all ninja-like and slice him in half, and left the dining room.

As Japan put the leftovers of America's meal into a plastic container and put it in the fridge, he started to think more about the situation he's put himself in. He became a little irritated how America wouldn't eat what little food he had left and surprised at how bad it really was. It was just odd to see him barley eat a thing, when usually when Japan would come over he'd stockpile up his kitchen with all sorts of snacks and order some pizza while he was over. Japan realized that this was going to be a long recovery for his friend, but he'd be there till the end.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: **Enjoy! (And please review. I don't really have anything interesting to say at the moment *sadface*.)

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That night America and Japan played video games and they eventually went to bed. Japan was sleeping in the guest room when suddenly he heard America yelling in his room. He quickly got up from his bed, grabbed his katana, and rushed to America's room. He opened the door to see that no one was in the room but America not screaming but crying in his sleep. He went over to him to wake him up.

"Alfred, Alfred! Wake up!"

America's sobbing began to lessen and he opened his eyes with tears still streaming down his face.

"Wh-what's going on?" America whimpered.

"I heard you screaming so I ran in. You were having a nightmare."

America began to realize that he was crying and started to wipe away the tears on his face.

"O-oh, yeah," America began to tear up again since he was remembering the dream.

Japan not really knowing what to do seeing his friend tear up again asked, "What was your dream about?"

"I-It's n-nothing," tears started to fall down America's face. Japan felt bad for his friend, but didn't know exactly what to do at the moment (then again, who does know what to do when their friend is sobbing?). He was trying to think of something to say to make him stop crying. America sat up wiping away his tears again.

"I'm sorry," America said, "I don't mean cry to so much in front of you."

"Its fine, it's not healthy to hold in strong emotions," Japan replied. They sat there in silence for a minute or so until America said, "You can go back to bed if you want, I'm fine,"

"Are you sure?" Japan asked.

"Yeah, it's all good,"

"Okay, good night Alfred," Japan said and walked out of the room. As soon as Japan closed the door America took out his journal and started to write in it.

**I had another nightmare again. Ever since this whole thing started I'm constantly having nightmares about either myself or people hating me. I had a dream where I was planning out my birthday party and I sent out invitations via Facebook, and everyone said they were coming and were writing on the wall how excited they were for my party (cause I throw some awesome parties). Then the day of no one came, and I was all depressed and stuff. Then I saw the next day I went onto my Facebook and I saw that everyone wrote on my wall insults about how much I suck and they were never going to go to my party and stuff. I started crying on my computer and then Kiku woke me up. **

**I just had an epiphany. Am I really a…hero? This sounds horrid coming out of my mouth but, what if I'm not the hero? Well actually, what if I'm not the hero anymore? What if I've become this thing that thinks I'm helping everyone when I'm really just wrecking everyone's lives? I'm not really sure what that'd be called, but whatever it is I'm that. **

America later woke up around 9:00am with his face on his journal and drool on the page he just wrote on. He lifted his head up and the page he was laying on was stuck to his face until he sat straight up. He walked downstairs in his pajamas to see that Japan was awake on his laptop typing and listening to music in the living room.

"Morning Kiku!"

Japan was startled and took off his headphones, "Good morning Alfred."

"What are you doing up so early? I thought you'd still be asleep cause of the big time difference."

"Not really, I'm kind of tired but I'll manage."

America walked down the rest of the stairs to the couch and sat next to Japan and peaked over at his laptop, "So whacha doin'?"

"I'm just finishing up some work."

"At 9 in the morning? Wow."

"I just don't want to get behind on it, I'm almost done."

"No need to rush bro, I just got up cause you're here, if you weren't I'd be in bed till 1," America chuckled. America looked beside Japan's laptop and saw a box of pocky. Usually by now he'd ask Japan a billion times if he could have some, but he looked uninterested and stared off into space. After about 10 minutes Japan closed his laptop and stood up. The clicking of Japan's laptop broke America's line to his imagination.

"I'm going to make you some breakfast. I was lenient with you last night but you must finish your breakfast today," Japan said and he walked into the kitchen. He had a serious tone to his voice that made America a little intimidated. After a couple minutes he smelled something being cooked and went to the dining room to wait for his meal. Japan came in with a glass of orange juice and a small plate with a scrambled egg on it. He placed it in front of America and went back to the kitchen to get his breakfast. He came back with a bigger plate with some scrambled eggs, orange juice, and two pieces of bacon. When Japan sat down he could see the look on America's face that he looked indifferent at the food and hadn't moved a muscle since he went to get his food. Japan tried to eat his food slower so he'd be there longer to watch America eat his food, then he got an idea.

"Alfred."

"Huh?" Alfred replied.

"I have an idea to get you eating. Every three bites I eat, you eat one bite, okay?"

"I guess…"

After Japan ate three bites of his scrambled eggs, he put his fork down and looked at America. America noticed that he was staring at him and started to feel uncomfortable.

"…why are you staring at me?" America asked.

"I'm waiting for you to eat your bite of food; I already had my three bites. I won't eat anymore until you have yours,"

"Oh," America looked at his scrambled eggs and his appetite shriveled up. I mean they looked well prepared, but he couldn't help it. He picked up his fork and slowly stabbed a piece of egg, and swallowed it whole.

"Good," Japan said. Then he ate his three bites and had a drink of his orange juice. America did the same thing he did last time he ate his last bite. It took about 30 minutes for America to finally finish his scrambled eggs; he only drank half of his orange juice. Japan stood up and gave a small grin to his face, "You finished your breakfast, I'm glad," he stood up and took both his and America's plate to the dishwasher.

"When I'm done washing these dishes, be done with your orange juice," Japan said as he headed to the kitchen to wash the dishes. As he was gone America dumped his orange juice into a house plant's pot. When Japan came back he took America's cup and then came back with it filled up halfway. America was trying to act puzzled on why his cup was refilled.

"Uh dude, why'd you refill my cup?"

"I saw you dump the orange juice in that plant over there, now finish drinking it," Japan said.

America was astonished and then mumbled, "Damn ninja…"

"Alfred just finish it all in one gulp so it's not as intimidating."

America made a big sigh and then quickly grabbed the orange juice and chugged it down and slammed the glass down like it was a shot. Then Japan took America's glass and went to the kitchen to wash it. America could feel his stomach actually had something in it and had the biggest urge to puke it all out.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: **Happy New Year Everyone! That's right, instead of being with my friends at some party or gathering I was at home online *forever alone*! Anyways, this chapter is longer than my usual ones but actually around the same length as a chapter on this website. I hope you like it.

Enjoy!

* * *

Japan looked at Alfred and noticed that he looked nauseous.

"Alfred, are you okay?" Japan asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," America mumbled.

"You look nauseous; did I prepare the eggs wrong?"

"No no the eggs were fine," America sighed, "Look I'm sorry for acting so bipolar, I'm just having a hard time."

"Well, why don't we talk it out, you usually figure things out when you talk to people," Japan said as he sat down in the chair next to America, "What exactly are you having a hard time with?"

"…Everything."

It was silent for a moment, with Japan waiting for America to explain, and America not knowing what else to say, until America asked, "Hey Kiku?"

"Yes?"

"…Why are you my friend?"

Japan was taken aback by this question and didn't really know how to answer it. He and America have been friends for years, but he's never really figured out an exact explanation for it.

"…I never really thought about it, I just am."

America looked away from Japan and smiled, "I've just been wondering it since you came here, that's all. You don't have to answer. It's just…you're so much better than me and…why would someone like you be friends with someone like me?"

"Alfred I don't think I'm better than you—"

"But you are! You're like the best country in the world!"

Japan slightly blushed at the compliment. He thought he was doing pretty well, but he didn't think he was the best country in the world. He didn't know America thought of him that highly.

"Alfred I'm flattered, but I don't think I'm the best country in the world; Maybe in Asia, but not the world."

"You are Kiku! Your people are geniuses, you create the most amazing stuff and…well you just are!"

"That doesn't mean I'm better than you, you've created some amazing things too."

"Like what, Burgers? Anything I've created is either crappy or somehow a knockoff of someone else's invention," America said brushing off Japan's compliment.

Another silent moment fell upon them. Japan didn't realize that America felt this bad about himself, and he wasn't used to it. Usually his pride was through the roof, but now he couldn't pinpoint an ounce of confidence. Japan looked back at America and saw the frown he had.

"Well America, the reason I am this way is kind of because of you."

America sat up and looked at him surprised, "What?"

"Well, I mean you opened me up to the rest of the world, and I learned how everyone else works from you," Japan got an idea after he said that and stood up, "hold on, I'll be right back," Japan said to America and went out of the dining room upstairs. He came back down with some kind of book. Japan sat it down in front of America and opened it to the first page.

"This has every single slang of phrase you have ever told me to I wouldn't be confused on what you and the other countries are talking about. I've had this since the early 1900s."

"Kiku…I completely forgot about this. I didn't even know you still had it," America said flipping through every page.

"I always carry it around with me, lately though I've been putting all the information in my laptop so I wouldn't risk losing it."

America flipped through some of the pages looking at words he hasn't said in years. He never knew Japan would keep this up. The first pages were all worn down and he saw he's added at least 50 new pages to the book.

"I never realized you paid attention this much to what I say, usually everyone else blocks me out when I talk but…wow," America chuckled and smiled, "Kiku you're so awesome! Better yet, you're a BAMF," America gasped a little at his realization, "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE TOTALLY A BAMF JAPAN!"

"A what?"

"It means Bad Ass Mother Fucker. Don't worry, it's a complement. It's like a step up from Awesome."

America stood up and went out of the dining then came back with a pen. He went to the last page in Japan's book and wrote down:

**BAMF- Acronym for Bad Ass Mother Fucker (the ultimate compliment) **

**Ex. "Kiku is a BAMF."**

"There," America said closing the pen, "now you'll remember," he said laughing again.

"What's so funny?" Japan asked.

"I just realized Kiku, we're bonding!"

Japan gave America a weird look and slightly shuffled away, "We're what?"

"You know, getting to know each other better and stuff. What did you think?"

Japan slightly blushed, "Uh, well—"

"Hahahahahaha! You perv!"

America continued to laugh while Japan sat there feeling awkward and embarrassed.

"So whacha wanna do now?" America said after he calmed down.

"I don't know; it's only 11."

"We could see what's on TV, is that okay with you?"

"Sure."

America and Japan got up and went to the living room and sat on the couch. America turned on the TV and flipped through the channels until he landed on TNT. Some movie was playing and they decided to watch it. About half an hour through, Japan noticed that America hadn't talked in awhile, and looked to see if he was okay. He saw that America had fallen asleep and didn't want to wake him. He decided to get onto his laptop and browse the internet. After it had been about two hours America finally got up. America mumbled something as he got up and wiped his face and yawned.

"What happened?" America asked.

Japan saw that America had woken up and took his headphones out of his ears and closed his laptop, "You fell asleep."

"For how long?" America asked as he yawned again.

"About two hours."

"What? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Oh. Sorry I fell asleep on you, I didn't get much sleep last night. What time is it?"

"Almost 2PM."

"Oh. Hey Kiku."

"Yes?"

"Do you think we could…talk again?"

"Sure, I don't mind. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know…stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"…I don't know; I just like talking to you."

With that sentence, Japan thought of something, "Actually, I have a question."

"Fire away."

"This whole day, why have you been complementing me?"

America paused at the question. He did notice that he'd been complementing him a lot today, and was trying to think of an answer.

"I don't mean to be rude, I was just curious."

"No no it's fine! It's just…you're so cool and…yeah. I mean sometimes you can be really weird, like _really _weird, but in a good way, you know?"

"Not really."

America continued talking, "Like you make really awesome stuff and then you make really weird stuff that is actually so weird that it becomes awesome! And then your culture is all awesome and stuff too! That's also why I say you're a BAMF."

"I didn't know that you thought so highly of me."

"Heh, I always have Kiku. I'm really glad you're my friend."

Japan grinned at the statement, "Thank you, I'm glad we're friends too Alfred," then Japan looked at the time, "Sorry to change the subject, but it's about time for me to prepare lunch." Japan got up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen to prepare lunch. After about 5 minutes, lunch was ready and he went back to the living room to get America, but he wasn't here. He wondered where he went so he went upstairs and looked in the guest room and America's room and he wasn't there either. Then he thought that America went outside to get some fresh air so he headed for the backyard, but America wasn't there either. At first Japan thought America went to do something else, but now he knew what he was doing, he was hiding. Japan knew to be prepared for such events because England told him that America would do this sometimes. Sometimes America would get so stubborn about not eating that he would hide somewhere and even when they'd find him it'd take awhile to get him out. Now Japan was searching for him, and eventually found him hiding in the guest bathroom.

Japan knocked on the door, "Alfred," There wasn't an answer. Japan knocked again, "Alfred, I know you're in there, the lights are on and the door is locked." There still was no answer, "Alfred get out of the bathroom."

"No," America finally replied.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to eat."

"You have to eat."

"I don't want to."

Japan sighed, "Alfred please come out of the bathroom, you can take as long as you'd like to eat but just come out."

There was a silence for a minute until America replied, "No."

Japan started to get a little frustrated. Not mad, but frustrated. He knew that America would at some point get so desperate not to eat again that he'd do something like this, but he didn't know what to do. The only thing that was between America and Japan was a wooden door, and for some reason that was a difficult problem to get past. He also thought of the theory that if he pushed America too hard that he'd want to throw up, and he couldn't let that happen. Then Japan got an idea. He knew it'd be risky and it was something he rarely does nowadays, but he may have to do it.

"America," Japan said in a serious tone, "I'm giving you one more minute to come out, or else."

"Or else what?"

"Do you want to wait or do you want to come out now?"

"I'm not gonna come out!"

"Okay."

America and Japan stood in silence.

"You have 30 seconds America."

America didn't reply.

"10."

America sat down against the door and held his ground.

'5, 4, 3, 2, 1,' Japan thought. After the minute was up, America saw that nothing happened, and he thought he'd won. On the other side of the door though Japan had his Katana in his hand, got into a fighting stance, and closed his eyes. America was wondering what Japan was doing since it was still quiet; he was about to call out Japan's name, when suddenly he heard some kind of shout and a slashing sound. The door was cut into four pieces in the form of an X. Because of America leaning against the door, he fell through the bottom piece and the top piece fell on his torso. When America opened his eyes, he was right below Japan, with Japan still standing looking down at him and his sword still out.

"Go downstairs."

America didn't want to go and would've stayed on the floor all day if he had to, but he saw that Japan had this katana out, which meant he wasn't fooling around. America got up and groaned, "Fine."

Japan calmly put his katana back in his walked behind America who was emphasizing his steps like a child as he went down the stairs. He didn't even know that America was leaning against the door and wanted to apologize, but he held his ground.

"I'm glad you decided to come down," Japan said as he entered the dining room.

"Well it was kinda hard staying in there when you sliced my door and I was afraid I was gonna be next!"

"I told you, one minute," Japan replied and went to the kitchen to get America and his lunch. He came back with some fruit on a small plate, "I'll pay for the door; just don't try to hide or avoid meals like that again with me."

"O-okay," America said timidly. Without thinking America popped one of the pieces of fruit into his mouth, chewed and swallowed it. He felt every part of the mashed up food go from his mouth and slide down into his stomach. He felt nauseous. He stared at the pieces of fruit on the table, and then looked away as if he saw something awful.

"I…I can't do this."

"Alfred you can as long as you'd like, as long as you finish."

America sat there for at least 20 minutes and didn't eat a thing. He just stared at the fruit as if it were some kind of abomination. He then raised his arm to pick up a piece of fruit. He hesitated when on which piece he was going to pick up. He decided to pick up the smallest piece. It was cold and moist, and he chucked it in his mouth and swallowed it whole. He shuddered at the feeling of the whole piece going down his esophagus to his stomach.

America's eyes turned toward Japan but his body faced his plate and pleaded, "Can I get up now?"

"No."

"But—"

"I told you, you can't leave until you eat every piece."

America looked back to the plate with a frown. He really wasn't in the mood to eat anything (then again, ever since all this happened he's never been in the mood to eat). If Japan wasn't here he'd probably have thrown up by now. While America sat there he kept calculating over and over how many calories were in this piece of fruit Japan cut up for him and how many calories total he'd probably eaten today. He didn't like the numbers he came up with. Then a thought came into America's head. This is _his_ house. Why was he taking orders from his friend? He started to get up and walk towards the living room.

"I said you can't get up until you finish."

"This is my house, I can do whatever I want," America said walking towards the opening. Before he reached it Japan blocked the opening.

"Alfred sit down," Japan commanded.

"No, I'm done eating!"

"No you're not."

"I AM! If I eat anymore I'm going to gain back all my weight!"

"No you're not, from just fruit you won't gain anything."

"Yes I will," Alfred's voice started to crack, "I'm going to eat it all and then I'll eat more and more and gain all my weight back and everyone will hate me even more than they do already!"

"Alfred, you eating has nothing to do with anyone liking you or not, it has to do with you staying alive. If you don't eat you'll die and there will be nothing left to give an opinion of. Do you want to die?"

"…No."

"Then _please_, sit down and finish the fruit."

America looked at Japan's expression and saw that he was almost begging for his friend to eat. America hesitated, but slowly shuffled his feet back to his seat. It took him at least an hour to finish the other few pieces. Even when America was done he stayed in the seat and didn't say anything. Japan had to look after a couple minutes to notice that America had finished; he got up and took the dished to be washed in the kitchen. When Japan finished washing the dish he went back to see the America still sitting in the chair and hadn't really moved. He became worried and went up to America.

"Alfred."

No one answered.

"Alfred."

"Huh? What?" America said looking around, "Oh, sorry, I was just spacing out."

America stood up and walked out of the dining room, "I'm going up to my room."

"Okay," Japan replied, "don't try throwing up anywhere, I'll know."

America went into his room, sat on his bed, and wrote in his journal.

**Ugh, this is going to be one emo entry, but I have to let it out. **

**I hate this. I hate how I'm apparently anorexic, I hate how I won't eat a thing, I hate how I hate myself. I hate that Kiku is trying his hardest to help me feel better yet I'm just being a jerk sometimes. I hate that it's pretty much my fault for most of the reasons why everyone hates me. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I was skinny and awesome, everyone loved me—I mean shit was going down but it was all good. **

**Kind of. **

**You know what I mean.**

**I'm still thinking about Kiku though. How in the world is someone like him still friends with me? Maybe it's just cause he's nice and doesn't want to break it to me—then again, he's a blunt bro, so he would've told me already. Unless he's afraid of me…wait, why would he be afraid of me? He's the ****ninja**** in this friendship, he could've cut me in half right now and I wouldn't have even known until there was blood all over my bed! I wonder if I have been a bit too 'Japan is so cool' around him lately. But he's such a BAMF! Wow, this entry has gone from me being depressed to talking about Kiku, weird. **


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: This chapter is longer than the usual ones I write again since it'd been so long since I posted one, I hope y'all like it! Please review if you have anything to say, I'd really appreciate it.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Later that night, when both America and Japan went to sleep, Japan had a nightmare. He dreamt that he and the rest of the UN were at a meeting and he was sitting across from America. He looked at America and it looked as if he relapsed and was in a worse condition than he was when he went over. He looked dazed at the fact that someone was talking about something (although he's usually not paying attention out of his own will, this time he looked like he was struggling to even stay awake). In the middle of someone talking he got up and excused himself to go get some fresh air, and while he was walking he was stumbling outside as if he was drunk. It'd been maybe 10 to 15 minutes when everyone started to get worried. Japan offered to go outside of the room to see what was taking him so long, and he went out of the room. He walked down the hall and saw that America had collapsed on the floor and it looked like he wasn't breathing. They called an ambulance and he went to the hospital. The doctors said that because of lack of nutrience he'd slipped into a coma, and they didn't know if he'd wake up or even survive. It then flashed forward to a couple days later where America's body gave up on him and he died. When Japan heard the sound of America's heart going out in the hospital in his dream, he sprung up with a cold sweat from his bed in the middle of the night. He calmed down and was relieved to see that it was a dream. He looked at the clock to see it was 2:37AM, and he'd only been asleep for a couple hours. Japan lied in his bed for half an hour until he fell back asleep.

The next morning when Japan went downstairs to make some tea, he was still thinking about the dream he had earlier. It felt so real and he was disturbed by it. Then he really started to think about what if America relapsed after he left. He knows he can't stay here forever, and America could just surrender to the disorder again just like he did when England and France left. What if it got that severe? No, he couldn't think that way, he had to stay positive.

"Morning Kiku!"

Japan was startled from America's loud voice penetrating his train of thought and spilled some of the hot tea on the counter.

"Good morning Alfred," Japan replied as he cleaned the counter with a paper towel.

"You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I just had a bad dream, that's all."

"What was it about?"

"It's nothing."

"Come on, tell me!"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Pleeeeeeease? Pretty please with…uh, Pocky on top?"

Japan sighed, "I dreamt that a close friend of mine suddenly died."

"Oh. Sorry bro…at least it was just a dream!"

"Yes, at least it was just a dream, I don't think I'd know how to react if it really happened, I really care about them."

"Just wondering…who was this friend you dreamt about?"

"Oh, you know them," Japan said sipping his tea while walking out of the kitchen.

America followed him, curious of who Japan dreamed about, "Okay, but _who _is it?"

Japan sat down on a chair and sipped his tea calmly and then said, "It was you."

America was kind of shocked by Japan's answer. He dreamed that he…died.

"O-oh…" America said awkwardly. How in the world was he supposed to respond to a friend of his saying he dreamed about him dying? Then he realized that Japan said that he really cared about him. For some reason that made America slightly blush (and secretly a little happier inside). Japan too started to blush and looked away from America seeing that he admitted that he cared for America very much. I mean he thought it was kind of implied in their friendship, but saying out loud felt uneasy.

"Like you said Alfred, at least it was a dream," Japan said breaking the silence.

"Hehe, y-yeah," America said as he scratched the back of his head and felt nervous. What was suddenly wrong with him?

To stop the awkward silence Japan spoke up, "It's almost 10, I should prepare breakfast," he finished his tea and walked faster than usual to the kitchen. After making breakfast Japan and America sat at the table and ate quietly. America would stop eating his food and look up at Japan, with Japan noticing and looking back to which they both quickly looked back at their food. America—blinded to the fact that he actually finished his meal without any commentary—stood up and said, "I finished," and walked out of the dining room area. Japan astonished (to actually noticing that America _finished_ before _he_ did) quickly finished his food and took the dishes to the sink.

_Why did he rush out of the room so quickly?_ Japan thought as he washed dishes.

Meanwhile America was sitting on the couch wondering what just happened. Why did he just rush out of the room so quickly? Then he realized that he actually finished a meal, to which his stomach started to hurt. Then he thought of something else—how much does he weigh now? He remembered that he found his scale a while ago, and now it felt like it was his life goal to weigh himself at this very moment. He got up and went to his scale and weighed himself. Ever since he weighed himself he gained another 4 pounds. That's 11 pounds total. He couldn't help but just keep staring at the number that appeared on the scale and start to panic. His mind was going back to where he first started with his disorder, to when anything edible he thought would make him gain weight, to where he wanted to just go workout for 3 hours, to where—

"Alfred!" Japan interrupted America's thought process.

Then America realized that a tear was running down his cheek, and that he was crying from the fact that he gained weight. He felt like such a girl. When Japan looked at what America was standing on he realized why America looked so distraught.

"Why are you weighing yourself?" Japan asked.

"I—I just wanted to know," America said trying to hold back his tear and wiping his face.

"That's not for someone in your condition to do," Japan said walking towards him, "I thought England hid this so you wouldn't find it."

"I found it a couple days before you came."

"Get off the scale," Japan demanded. America got off the scale and Japan took and scale and walked off. Curious on what Japan was going to do with it, America followed him. Seeing that Japan wasn't telling him to stop following him, he crossed out the option that he was going to hide it. Japan walked into his room and put the scale on the floor, then went to the side of his bed and took out his katana. America finally put the pieces together right before Japan struck the scale.

"WAIT!" America exclaimed.

Japan stopped a centimeter away from striking the scale in the area where you can see the number, "This is for your own good."

"But—"

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't destroy the scale."

America was silent.

"The only reason you don't want to get rid of the scale is so you can keep constantly weighing yourself and continue to be self conscious about your weight in an extremely unhealthy manner."

"That's not true!"

Japan raised his katana and put it by his side and looked America straight in the eye, "Then why shouldn't I get rid of it?"

"Uh…w-well…I don't know…," America said. He became uncomfortable when Japan got that look in his eye and looked away sheepishly. He didn't even really know why he didn't want to get rid of the scale, it was probably subconsciously the reason that Japan just said.

"Okay then, that's settles it," Japan picked up the scale and threw it and sliced it in mid air diagonally. In America's point of view this all happened in slow motion. Japan was about to bend down to pick up the pieces when America offered to pick them up instead. They both bent down to pick up the pieces and picked up some equally until there was one piece left. They both went for it and they accidently touched hands. Right at contact they flinched, apologized, and looked at each other. America quickly picked up the pieces and ran down downstairs to throw the pieces away.

"What the hell is wrong with me today?" America said out loud and rubbing his forehead with his hand.

Japan calmly walked down the stairs and threw the pieces he had in his hands into the trashcan.

America turned and went to the living room and turned on the TV to the news. There was a news story about a state legalizing gay marriage in the next couple months and news castors discussing it. America personally never liked brining up subjects like gay marriage, with his people literally split 50/50 on the decision; he was always stuck in the neutral part of not knowing how he felt about it. I mean he'd been trying to become more tolerant of homosexuals lately (like he did in the late 20th century trying to become less racist) and so far it'd been slowly progressing. Then he noticed that Japan was watching the TV as well, and a question popped into his head.

"Hey Kiku?"

"Yes?"

"What do you think about homosexuals?"

"…what do you mean?"

"Like do you like them or hate them and stuff."

"Oh, well I don't really care of someone's sexuality and most of my people don't either, but gay marriage itself isn't legalized."

"Oh."

"It seems to be a big topic in your country lately."

"Yeah, northern states are starting to slowly legalize it while there are still big debates on it all over the place."

"Hm. What do you think about it?"

"Uh, well I'm neutral on the subject because of my people."

"No, I mean what does _Alfred _think about it, not America."

America never really thought of it that way. I mean even though he was a nation he was also still a human being at the same time, and typically all nations felt that there were two side to them, the human and nation side living together in one body. He never really looked it what he guessed his human side thought about it. Since he himself lives in Washington DC and it is legalized there, he guessed he was okay with it and all. But there was always that side to him where he'd feel uncomfortable around gay guys, but that's just something almost every guy has (he also feels he developed the fear from being around France).

"I guess I'm okay with it, it's something I try not to think too hard about though," he said running his hands through his hair. He was getting confused and stressed just thinking on the subject. He started to flip through the channels to forget about the controversy, while he did that Japan decided to sit on the couch next to him. He kept flipping through the channels to which he felt there was nothing on TV and turned it off.

"I'm so bored!" America complained and then turned to Japan.

"Well if you don't mind Alfred, I'd like to catch up on some work," Japan said.

"Oh that's fine, I don't want you to be behind on your stuff cause of me."

"Thank you," Japan said and went to get his laptop, "you should probably do some of your work too, and it's piling up on your desk."

"I should…" America replied, but he didn't feel like doing work, so he went upstairs to write in his journal (anything to put off doing paper work).

**So the only reason I'm writing in my journal right now is because I ****really**** don't want to do any paper work, so I have to figure out what to write about…**

**Well, this morning has gone from a usual morning to awkward. Kiku told me that he had a dream that I died! I'm assuming that I died because of my…thing, but that's scary. I don't wanna die; I'm still in my prime! Not to mention he said that he really cared about me, and I suddenly felt weird. Like not my stomach hurt weird, but like, weird weird (if that makes sense). I've been having a hard time looking at him, and I get nervous when he speaks to me. Then later he broke my scale! I mean, it doesn't really matter cause I've had that thing for years and could buy another one, but it felt like that was the only thing I could keep track of my weight. Now how will I know if I lost or gained weight? It really shouldn't be something I should be concerned about, but really I still wish I'd go back on my diet. It's hard fighting that urge, though I feel like I'm getting better. And then when we were done throwing the pieces away, I turned on the TV and they were talking about one of my states legalizing gay marriage. It's really something I prefer not to talk about, because then my liberal and conservative sides start to boil up and fight each other. Kiku's so chill about it though (then again, with his culture he's pretty much chill with a lot of things because it's so out there), I'm surprised he himself doesn't have it legalized. Hmm, now that I think about it, I've never really seen him in some type of relationship, is he gay? Straight? Bi? Or…anything really. I think he's straight…I should ask him later.**


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: **Okay this thing is finally up! I recently got to over 100 reviews and that's just awesome! Thank you guys for reviewing and even just reading this story (and putting up with me putting these chapters up far apart).

*Also, there's a Scrubs reference in this chapter, and for the part I'm referencing here's the link if you don't know what I'm talking about: /watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0

Enjoy!

* * *

With America not knowing what else to write, he decided he should get to his work. Because of his current condition, his workforce felt that he should stay home and they'd deliver the work to him. He went to his desk and saw the piles of papers and files on there and he groaned. He sat down and began to work, looking at bills and proposes he had to look over. Some of them were overdue to Obama, and America knew that he didn't play around and he's probably pissed that he hasn't turn them in. Crap.

About 5 hours later, America was done with a fourth of the paperwork he was given. He was exhausted and frustrated, so he decided he was done for the day and wanted to see what Japan was doing. Although there was a 99.9% chance of Japan just still doing his work (because America felt he was a Workaholic), he just wanted to get away from his stuff as fast as possible. America walked upstairs to Japan's room and knocked on the door.

"Yo Kiku! Can I come in?" America said.

"Yes come in," Japan replied.

America opened the door and went into the guest bedroom that was currently Japan's room. Now that America thought about it though, they stay over at each other's houses so much it pretty much was Japan's room. As America thought, Japan was talking to someone on Skype while typing something on his laptop. America waited until Japan was done with his conversation to start talking to him.

"Do you need something?" Japan asked.

"Oh no, I just wanted to get away from my paperwork," Alfred said with a sigh, "it's so frustrating, I don't know how you do it!"

"Well it has to get done at some point."

"Yeah but you work all the time, I swear you're a Workaholic."

"Alfred we've been through this conversation before, I'm not a Workaholic!"

"You totally are! All you do is work, work, work, eat, sleep, and work again!"

"Whatever," Japan rolled his eyes and closed his laptop and murmured, "at least I do my work."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing," Japan said.

"Hey, I get my work done at some point!"

Japan grinned at the fact he offended America, "I know, I'm just joking."

America suddenly started to feel weird again. His heart started to pound loud when he saw that Japan smiled (let alone laughed) and he looked away from him again. _Damnit it's happening again! _America thought.

"Is something wrong?" Japan saw that America looked nervous.

"Nothing's wrong! It was just weird to see you laugh. 'Cause you don't really, show…emotion."

"I've noticed that you've been nervous around me all day, did something happened?"

"No nothing happened! I don't know, it's nothing, I'm fine."

"Okay…" Japan gave America a weird look.

"I uh, will be downstairs," America said walking out of Japan's bedroom awkwardly. When America went downstairs to the living room and sat on the couch, he didn't even turn on the TV, he just kept trying to figure out what was wrong with him for the past couple days. Every time he saw Japan he kept getting this foreign feeling in his chest, and it was uncomfortable but nice. Oh god…what if it was a—No! No that can't be it. America was straight. He felt like he was thinking too much about it, so he turned on the TV and saw that Scrubs was on. Fuck yeah. Then he noticed it that he tuned in the episode when Turk and JD were singing their Guy Love song*. Great, this definitely doesn't help the situation. Even though he loved this episode and even the song, this wasn't really what he was hoping would be on. Then when JD sang, "You're the only man who's been inside of me," America felt just really embarrassed and was glad Japan wasn't there to see him like this. When the song was over, America took his hand off of his face and noticed Japan was sitting next to him.

"AAAAH!" America screamed, which startled Japan.

"What?" Japan said.

"When did you get here?"

"Right around when the song started."

"I didn't even hear you come down."

"You had your hands covering your face when I walked down the stairs and sat down; I guess you didn't notice me."

"_Freaking. Ninja." _America thought then said.

They sat in silence and watched a couple more episodes of Scrubs. The episodes were funny, but America felt nervous and chuckled, and Japan smile a couple times (America secretly couldn't help but look at Japan would smile, it was…just so rare and stuff that he had to see it to believe it. Yeah. That's it.).

When there was a break, America got off the couch and went into the kitchen to get some water. When he poured himself a glass and was drinking it, Japan went into the kitchen too and opened the fridge to prepare lunch. After being nervous and drinking a whole glass of water, America wasn't up for eating. He went back upstairs to write in his journal.

**This is bad. Something is definitely wrong with me. I seriously can't keep my cool when I'm around Kiku! I just get nervous and weird, and then I thought of something. This is just one of many reasons it could be, like I'm sick, or something was in the food I ate the other day, but then I…I could….**

America looked around as if there could be people watching him writing in his journal. Then he wrote quickly and in small font:

**I think I might have a crush on him.**

**That last one is like a last resort though, cause I'm not gay! Nope, straight as a number 2 pencil! I should get a thermometer and see if I have a fever.**

America then found his thermometer and took his temperature. It was a perfect 98.6F.

**Okay okay no big deal, I don't have a fever, and at least I'm not sick. Maybe I haven't been drinking enough water! Even though I just had a glass, I should have another to make sure. **

He closed the journal and went downstairs to get some more water, to where he met Japan right at the foot of the stairs.

"Alfred, I was just coming to get you," Japan explained, "I made us some sandwiches." Crap, America forgot it was about time to eat lunch. America shuffled behind Japan to the dining room where there was a sandwich and a glass of water for each of them (at least he got his water).

America was getting better at finishing his meals in less time; it only took him half an hour to finish his meal this time with no complaints.

"Alfred," Japan said.

"Huh?" America replied.

"Did something happen? You keep acting strange around me and it's progressively getting worse."

"Oh, uh, n-nothing, I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're doing it right now."

"…"

"What'd you do?"

"I didn't do anything! I just…forgot to take my anxiety pills! Haha, yeah! I get like this when I forget, I should go do that now," America said and walked out of the dining room to his bathroom. Nearly every nation in the world took anxiety medication, so Japan saw that as a reasonable excuse for him to be acting that way (it could've been a side effect or something; he didn't know how American medication worked).

When America went into his bathroom, he opened his cabinet that had all his prescribed medications, took out the anxiety pills, pretended to take them (because he actually did take them that day in the morning) and closed the cabinet. He then turned on the faucet and splashed the cool water numerous times on his face. He turned off the faucet, dried his face with his American Flag towel, and examined himself in the mirror. Besides his insecurities physically, now he began to have insecurities sexually.

Did he really have a crush on his best friend (who is a guy, he reminded himself many times)? What if he was gay? It was a subject that made him want to go insane, with his liberal and conservative sides of him fighting until the bitter end. I mean he didn't even really know much about homosexuality it until the early 20th century; he'd only heard about it when he'd go to church and how bad it was. He himself never met a homosexual (well, an 'open' one) until the 1960's, and it really made him nervous when the whole experience happened. For the past 30 years or so though more and more people have to more open to it. And it's not like he could hate them personally, there are many homosexuals in his country and he loved his people. He remembers when England came out to him and how surprised he was. I mean America always made fun of him calling him a fag and stuff, but he never knew that England was actually attracted to guys. Maybe that's where he got it! He got the gay from England! Wait, no, homosexuality isn't contagious, so that can't be it. There was always the whole choice or born this way debate, and he himself was sure that he didn't _choose _to—wait, this whole debate is making it sound like he's admitted to himself that he was gay. He wasn't gay! Hell he could Kate Upton right now and get turned on (god she's so hot…wait, getting distracted!), so he's not gay! Maybe he's…bi? Well, there are many people in this world that consider themselves bi and Canada said he considered himself bi…wait! Now this is making it sound like he's calling himself bi! HE'S STRAIGHT. HE LIKES WOMEN. BOOBS, VAGINAS, AND ALL THAT JAZZ. But then he thinks about Japan, and he can't help but feel…happy. America decided to continue his thoughts in writing in his journal.

**So now I've really been thinking about this whole crush guy straight gay thing now. Now I'm scared. What if I really do have a crush on Kiku? But then I also thought of something! If I was gay or bi, that means I'd have to be SEXUALLY attracted to men! So, if I don't get turned on by Kiku (or guys in general) then I'm not gay! But how do I figure that out? I've seen Kiku naked before when we went to those bath things in his country, but I've never looked-looked at him before. Maybe I should imagine him naked. Or to be safer look up gay porn.**

**The fuck I just write? **

**Why would I want to imagine MY FRIEND naked? And looking up two guys doing stuff? Ugh, something's definitely wrong with me. **

**You know, I probably just need to go take a nap, that'll calm me down and I'll be back to normal in no time!**

America closed his journal and took a nap. He woke up after a couple hours around 7pm and went to find Japan. He found him reading some manga.

"Hey Kiku!" America exclaimed.

Japan quickly closed the manga book he was reading while blushing, "Oh, hey Alfred. I thought you were sleeping."

"I was, I just woke up. What manga are you reading?"

"Oh just one that just came out this month."

"What it about?"

"I haven't really gotten to the plotline yet."

"I was going to find a movie on Netflix to watch, wanna watch it with me?"

"Sure."

"Okay! Are you coming?"

"Uh, I'll be down soon, I just want to finish the chapter I'm on."

"Okay," America walked out of the room. When he got downstairs he froze. What had he done? Being _alone_ with Japan for a couple of _hours_ in the _dark_ watching a _movie_? Well, as long as they don't watch anything scary, nothing could possibly go wrong.

As America was scrolling through his Netflix account, he found a movie he'd been dying to watch for awhile and kept forgetting about it. The bad part was, it was a scary movie. He wanted to watch it, but usually at the end of scary movies he was holding onto Japan for dear life and Japan was unhappy. But he wanted to watch it so bad! Japan came downstairs in the middle of America's decision.

"So what are we watching?" Japan asks.

"This one!" America said making a last minute decision.

Japan looked at the screen, seeing that the movie was in the Horror category, "Are you sure it's a good idea to watch a horror movie?"

"It'll be fine! I've heard this movie's dumb anyways, we can just make fun of it," America lied. Japan sat down on the couch with America next to him. America sat down next to him with his usual pillow to hold onto just in case things got scary.

"Are you going to turn off the lights?" Japan asked.

"Oh! Yeah, of course, there's no reason to keep the lights on," America said nervously. He got up and turned off the lights. Japan then realized how there weren't any snacks or soda on the coffee table or even next to them. It was odd how there wasn't even any popcorn, and how even when watching movies America didn't eat.

He started the movie and it actually wasn't that scary for the first 20 minutes or so. About halfway through the movie is when things started to get eerie, and America started to shake and hold onto his pillow. At one point there was a jump scare and he jumped and held onto Japan and closed his eyes into Japan's chest.

"Alfred it isn't even scary!"

"Yes it is! Aaaah! I'm scared Bro, I don't even know how you do it!" America said while smothering his face on Japan. Japan rolled his eyes and as usual started to attempt to comfort America. That's when America had the realization that he was making physical contact with Japan. This would usually mean nothing to him and being really uncomfortable with Japan, but because of…issues, America sprung up from Japan's arms and scooted away from him. Japan became confused (and slightly glad that America wasn't on him anymore) on what just happened, and awkwardly turned back to the movie.

"S-sorry! I-It just felt like something was on my back," America horribly lied and trying to pretend to get something off his back.

When the movie was over, America was holding onto his pillow and Japan got up, turned on the lights, and then turned off the TV.

"The movie's over," Japan said to America. America looked up from his pillow and saw the lights were back on and he was safe.

"Man, that was scary," America chuckled, "at least we got through it to the end."

"I don't understand your 'scary' movies Alfred, I can't imagine what you're like if you even see a scary movie from Asia," Japan said and slightly shuddered.

"Oh I have. They're _a lot_ scarier than these movies. I couldn't sleep for 2 days when I saw one of them," America claimed and held onto the pillow even tighter just thinking about past scenes from an Asian horror he watched awhile ago.

Japan changed the subject so he wouldn't have to deal with America being scared, "I'm going to make dinner. I'll be in the kitchen," Japan walked away to the entrance to the kitchen.

"…Hey Kiku!" America called out.

"Yes?"

"Do you think…we could have mac and cheese tonight?"

Japan was surprised America recommended something to eat. He found this good since it made it sound like America was getting his appetite back.

"Sure," Japan replied, and continued walking into the kitchen.

America went back to his room and pulled out his journal.

**That's it, I think I'm going to have to say this (or, write it really).**

**I have a crush on Kiku.**


	24. Chapter 24

**AN: **Hello everyone! Man this story has gotten long, but I'm so glad you guys like it so much! I'll be really busy for the next couple weeks, so the next chapter probably won't be up until the first week of June (high school is horrible). Please review, it always helps to hear feedback since this story's so long, don't want to lose the main writing technique of it.

Enjoy!

* * *

America saw what he wrote and even he himself was amazed he admitted it. It felt like he had let something off his chest but also gave more things to carry. Was he really saying that he was bi? That he really liked men? His thoughts were cut off by his phone ringing, it was England. America quickly tried to pick up the phone, but lost grip of it and it fell. He launched himself at it and picked it up before it went to voicemail.

"H-Hello?"

"Alfred."

"Hey Iggy, what's up?"

"I was just calling to see how you were doing."

"Oh, I'm fine."

"Have you been eating and _finishing_ all your meals?"

"Yes."

"Are you okay?"

"_Yes_, why are you asking?"

"Well, I was talking to Kiku a few hours ago and he said you were acting strange, so I wanted to see if you were okay. He said you look healthier and you're finishing your meals quicker, I'm glad."

"Just curious Iggy, what did Kiku say about me?"

"Well, just that you seemed nervous or something similar to that. I also heard about the whole movie incident."

"Oh god…"

"What?"

"Nothing! Just mumbling."

"Why on earth do you still watch those scary movies when you know they scare the living daylights out of you?"

"Because they're awesome, that's why!"

"Ugh, I don't want to get into this conversation again. Just know that if anything happens, call me, okay?"

"Okay Mom, I will."

"Shut it with the 'Mum' crap you git!"

"Hahahaha!"

"Ugh. Bye Alfred."

"Bye Iggy!"

America hung up the phone. He couldn't believe that Japan told England about the movie incident. Well, it's not like he wasn't able to, but now what if England gets suspicious? Or worse…what if he told France? Suddenly, America heard a knock at the door that startled him.

"Come in," America said.

Japan came into his room.

"I just wanted to tell you dinner is ready."

America got up from his bed, and followed Japan to the kitchen. As they walked down the stairs, America could smell the cheesy goodness we all know as Kraft Mac and Cheese. It was one of his favorite meals to make before he started dieting, and seeing the meal itself brought back memories of the golden treat. America couldn't control himself, and he ate two plates full in less than 15 minutes and afterwards letting out a loud burp.

"That was great! Thanks for making it Kiku!"

America didn't notice that Japan was astonished by how much America ate. He'd barley finished half of his plate when America was done himself.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. You said you wanted some, and I found the box in the back of your pantry."

"I miss it, man am I stuffed," America said with a smile, then the word 'stuffed' started to echo in the back of his head, and slowly his smile turned to a frown. He was _stuffed. _Full. His 'diet instincts' kicked in realizing his ate a lot more in one sitting than he had been in a while, and that's when he started to not feel well. He remembered that things like butter, salt, cheese, and so on were in Mac and Cheese and how many calories he just took in and how every second his body was absorbing every gram of fat, he just sat there.

Japan noticed America didn't look well and said, "Alfred, are you okay?"

America was looking down and mumbled, "I…I ate so much…" sounding ashamed of himself that he failed once again.

"That's good," Japan responded, "Alfred don't feel bad. It just means you're getting your appetite back."

"No, that's not good," America said softly. It looked like it was easier for America to relapse than Japan thought.

"Alfred you actually ate the approximate serving size for one person."

America was silent, got up slowly, and started to walk away from the table. Japan followed him in fear of America going to throw up all of his food. Thankfully America was just going to the couch, and huddled into the fetal position.

"Alfred," Japan began.

"I'm fine," America quickly replied back.

"No you're not, you're upset," Japan said standing in front of America.

"I'm fine," America said turning over to where his face faced the cushion of the pillow, "I swear."

Japan sat next to America in silence after a couple minutes. Even though he hated making physical contact with anyone, America was his friend, and he decided to try and comfort him like he would when they'd watch a scary movie. He put his hand on America's head, and attempted to comfort him. America felt himself blush when Japan touched his head. America quickly sat up and got up from the couch.

"I'm just going to go to sleep okay?"

Japan didn't know how else to respond but nod. America headed up the stairs in the kind of silence where time slows down the closer you get to your destination, and once you get there, your mind speeds up to the current time speed. It was almost 10pm, but America didn't care. He turned off the lights, slipped into his boxers, and went to bed.

The next morning, America woke up and felt odd. He looked at his sheets and his face paled.

"Oh fuck."

He opened the door to the hallway, and noticed Japan wasn't up yet, so he quickly snuck his sheets downstairs to the washer before Japan heard him. He ran back upstairs to see Japan standing in the hallway with bed head as if he just woke up.

Japan yawned then said, "Good morning."

"O-oh Kiku, you're awake!"

"Well yes, your running woke me up."

"Oh, sorry."

"Why are you running at 7 in the morning?"

"I was just doing some laundry, you know, getting it done now than later."

"That's so unlike you."

"Well I just felt inspired to do it now," America said and quickly went right inside of his room and closed the door. He pressed his back against his door and slid down his body to where he was sitting on the ground and against the door.

"That didn't just happen," America said. He put his head into his hands and muffled, "That didn't just happen!"

He had a wet dream about Japan and could remember it as clear as day:

_America was woken by the sun coming through his window. He got up and saw the sunlight had invaded the upper half of his room, and noticed someone standing at the front of his bed. It was Japan in a kimono. He said something that America couldn't make out, then he crawled onto the bed and kissed America. America said something, but everything that was said there was no sound. They looked at each other and smiled, then started kissing again. Japan stopped kissing America, sat up on the bed, and took off his kimono (seen by America in slow motion) to reveal there was nothing underneath. Japan got under the sheets with America to which they started making out and—_

America stopped thinking about the dream, because he noticed that he was getting…excited. He started to panic and tried to think of gross stuff like, France naked. Yep, that did it. America officially knew he had to tell Japan about his feelings as soon as possible, but he didn't know how. What if he told him and then they couldn't be friends? Suddenly he heard his phone ringing, and he got up from being against the door to answer it. He looked at his phone and noticed it was Italy. It was odd that he called him, but whatever.

"Hello?" America answered.

"Hi America!" Italy answered. He knew that if Italy called him by his official name and not human name, the reason he called was something politically related.

"Hey Italy," he answered back in the same formal way, "what's up?"

"Not much, my boss wanted me to ask you some things though."

"Okay, fire away."

Their conversation went on for about half an hour until Italy was done.

"Thanks for the information, I've been meaning to call you all week but I just haven't had time," Italy said.

"Do you mean you've been putting this off until now?"

"Pretty much."

"Hey Feli?"

"Huh? What?"

"Umm, can I ask for some advice?"

"Sure!"

America knew that even though Italy couldn't actually pull off romantic things, he knew about them, and he'd rather ask him than France.

"So, I have this friend, and he thinks he's gay 'cause he has a crush on his other friend, and he wants to tell the guy he likes him but he doesn't know if the other guy is gay let alone that he likes him back."

"Hmm."

"Yeah."

"Well, what do you mean he _thinks _he's gay?"

"Well, this is the first guy he's ever had feelings for."

"Are they true feelings?"

"I think so."

"He should confess it to him! They could turn out to be each other's soul mate and be together forever! Or it just wasn't mean to be. Either way he can't keep those feelings in forever, they'll get harder and harder to repress. Just tell him to say it up front, and in a romantic way if possible with flowers and things!"

"Is there an alternative way to do this? He's scared it might ruin their friendship."

"He's just going to have to risk it."

This was just great. Knowing that at some point (apparently as soon as possible) he'd have to tell Japan the truth on how he feels made him terrified at what would happen. He doesn't even know if Japan likes guys!

"Okay, thanks for the advice! I'll talk to you later."

"Ve~! Okay, bye!"

"Bye."


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: **Yeah I'm late. Really late. I apologize. But hey at least I finally put it up! And now that school is out I can just write the chapter and finish this story in no time! I hope you enjoy the chapter, because I was sketchy about this, but I felt like something like this should happen, and the story would feel incomplete without it.

Enjoy!

* * *

After talking to Italy, America got scared. He had no idea what to say to Japan, let alone if these are true feelings or he's just confused. That's when he went to find his journal to write in it.

**I have no idea what to do now. I just called and talked to Feliciano about my feelings for Kiku, and he said I'm just going to have to tell him. But now I'm actually thinking about if I really like guys. I mean, my feelings may just be I really care about him and stuff, and I do, but could it be that my feelings are so strong that it reveals that I'm not straight? I don't really know how else to figure it out other than looking up gay porn or something around that area, but I don't think I can do that. So does that mean my feelings are fake? I'm so confused. Maybe I should just go online and look at pictures of guys…I mean that's what guys that are attracted to guys do, right?**

America stops writing and looks at his laptop, then looks back at his journal. He closed his journal and opened his laptop. He went to Google images then stared at the screen for 10 minutes.

"_Well, I don't have to Google gay porn,_" America thought, "_maybe I can just Google guys girls are into these days. Ugh, 'these days', that makes me sound so old. Who's hot now anyways? …oh! Ryan something. Uh, Ryan…maybe I can just type it into Google and it'll tell me!" _

America typed in 'Ryan' into the search bar, and immediately it showed 'Ryan Gosling' first then 'Ryan Reynolds' second.

"_Oh yeah! They're really good actors too. I guess I'll look at Ryan Gosling first. Whoa. He…he has, nice abs…I wonder what he does to work out. They're really…shapely. Okay, what about Ryan Reynolds? …whoa..._"

After being on the computer for an hour and many searches, he went back to his journal.

**Shit, now I'm for sure this time. I really think I am bisexual. **

America let go of his pencil and rubbed his hands from his face through his hair.

"Shit," America said to himself. He didn't know what to do now. He felt like he needed someone to talk to. He picked his cell phone back up and called Italy back.

"Ciao?" Italy answered.

"Hey Feli, it's me again," America replied.

"Hey Alfred!"

"Umm, you know how I asked you about advice for my friend a couple minutes ago?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I kind of lied to you."

"What?"

"The thing is…okay, what I'm about to tell you, you can't tell _anybody_ okay? Not even Ludwig!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's something really personal, and I don't really know who else to talk to."

"Oh, okay."

"You promise?"

"I promise!"

"I'm serious man, don't squeal."

"I won't! Just tell me!"

"Okay…the person who I was talking about…."

"…yes?"

"It was…"

"Is it one of the nations?"

"Kind of."

"Let me guess! Is it—"

"Feli just let me talk!" America interrupted.

"I'm sorry."

America sighed, "It's fine."

"Is it someone I know?"

"It's me," America said quietly.

"What'd you say?"

"It's…it's me."

"What? Wait you're gay? Alfred I never knew! Wow this is—"

"I'm not gay! I'm bi."

"Oh. Well still!"

"You can't tell _ANYONE."_

"Does no one else know? Not even Arthur?"

"No, you're the first one I've told."

"Whoa."

"Y-yeah."

"How did you figure it out?"

"I just...did, I've been having these feelings for awhile now and I'm trying to…accept myself."

"Why'd you decide to call me?"

"Well…cause you're, you know…"

"Gay?"

"Yeah, and you know stuff, I'm just—"

"Scared?"

"Yeah! How do you uh…deal with it?"

"It's not something you deal with Alfred; you just have to come to accept yourself for who you are."

"But how? I mean I can't even imagine telling anybody let alone my states! Maybe 10, 15 of them would accept me and the others would resent me! Hell I'm pretty sure the whole south would hate my guts. And then there's just this whole other part of me that I didn't even know about until now, I don't even know how I'm supposed to act now."

"You don't have to change the way you act."

"Well, how did you do it? I mean you're dead in the center of where Christianity became a thing yet you seem to be doing okay."

"Heh," Italy chuckled, "Alfred you have no idea how hard it was for me to come out. I thought something was wrong with me, that I was just subconsciously doing this because I had a hard time getting with girls. It took me from when I about 30 years to come out."

America even remembered when Italy told him. It was about 10 years ago, and he really didn't know how to respond. He liked being Italy's friend, but when he found out he was gay (let alone dating Germany of all people), he flipped out and didn't talk to him until the next UN meeting. Eventually, Italy went and talked to him about it. About how he felt that's who he was, how he felt no attraction to America, and how he wished they could go back to being friends again. It wasn't until a couple years ago America got used to it, and now he doesn't really think about it.

Italy went on as America listened intently, "I've heard all sorts of things about homosexuals since I'm so close to the church, but I know that God will love me no matter what, and he made me in his design. People can say what they want but it doesn't bother me much anymore."

"…"

"Hello? Alfred? Did I talk too much?"

"No no, it's fine. I was actually going to ask you how you figured it out anyways. And how you're uh, religious views were."

"Were you thinking about that too?"

"Well yeah, but I didn't know if I could ask about it to you since you're Catholic and I'm Protestant."

"Well when you think about it it's pretty similar, so I don't think it would matter."

"Yeah."

"So, who's this person you have a crush on?"

"Oh, uh, just someone."

"Do I know them?"

"…"

"I do! So is it a nation? Tell me! I promise not to say anything to anyone!"

America sighed and gulped, "Its Kiku."

"Really? Kiku?"

"Yeah."

"Haha, well what do you see in him?"

"I, I don't know, I just look at him and feel nervous and stuff."

"Like how?"

"I don't know how to explain it."

"Well think of him right now, how do you feel?"

"I feel…happy," America said. What Italy couldn't see right now was that America had a smile on his face.

"Now, what do you see in him that makes you like him so much?"

"Well he's cute and smart, and we like a lot of the same things."

"Anything else?"

"He always listens to me, even when everyone else stopped. And he's always there for me, more than I am for him."

"Sounds like love to me."

"I don't love him!" America blushed, "I just know that I like him more than a friend. And I don't even know if he likes me back, let alone likes guys! Do you know?"

"Hmm," Italy thought, "You know after knowing him for so long I still don't know."

America sighed, "Great."

"Why can't you just ask him?"

"He may get suspicious!"

"You'll have to ask him at some point."

"He doesn't even really talk about his personal life."

"Well this is a good time to get him starting! It'll be fine!"

"Says the one who's not asking anyone anything."

"You have to be positive Alfred! Just be calm and smooth about it."

"So just don't be you?"

"Hey!"

"Hahahaha!"

"You're such a meanie!"

"I'm kidding Feli."

"Veneziano! Dove cazzo sei?" Romano yelled in the distance.

"Hold on Alfred," Italy said then yelled to Romano, "Che cos'è?"

"Bastardo patata è qui," Romano said back.

"Sto arrivando," Italy yelled then said back to America, "Alfred I'm going to have to call you back, Ludwig's here!"

"Oh, okay."

"Just do what I told you, and you'll be fine!"

"Okay, bye."

"Bye!"

America hung up the phone. Right when he did Japan knocked on his door.

"Come in!" America said.

Japan walked in still in his pajamas, "Are you ready to eat breakfast?"

"Yeah," America got off of his bed to walk with Japan downstairs.

"Who were you talking to?" Japan asked.

"Oh, just Feli, he was asking me about business stuff."


	26. Chapter 26

**AN: Yep. I'm still alive.**

**...**

**so, I've learned something from this internet adventure in the fanfiction land. One of those things is, don't stop updating for long periods of time. That's bad. Really bad. **

**But uh yeah, this thing is for some reason still going on even though it's really almost done. Like seriously. This shit is almost done. **

**uh,**

**Enjoy?**

* * *

"Your laundry finished in the washing machine awhile ago," Japan said as they both went down the stairs.

"So…uh…Kiku?" America awkwardly asked.

"Yes?" Japan responded.

"Never mind." America replied back. _Shit. _When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he went to the washing machine and got his sheets out to put in the dryer. When he was done, he went to the dining area for breakfast. For the past day or so he'd been thinking more about Japan than food, so when he felt the scent of toast go up his nostrils, he felt squeamish. America went through the dining room to the kitchen to find a plate with two pieces of toast on it and Japan putting two more slices of bread into the toaster.

America turned towards Japan and said, "Kiku, I actually wanted to talk about something."

"Okay, what is it?"

"…" America felt his face light up and forgot was he was going to say.

"Actually Alfred, I've wanted to talk to you about something as well," Japan said.

"Hmm?" America found surprising, "W-well, you can go first; I kind of forgot what I wanted to tell you."

"Well, I know you're going through a rough time currently, but you've been acting so weird lately."

"…uh…well, what do you mean?"

"Like what you're doing right now. You haven't been that social lately and you seem nervous around me."

America now didn't know what to say. He didn't know he was showing his feelings that openly.

"I-I mean—okay. So, I noticed that I didn't really know anything about your, uh, personal life. Like you dating and stuff. So I was just wondering things about your dating life…and stuff."

"Oh," Japan said kind of embarrassed, "that's not something that I really talk about."

"I know! That's why I was wondering now, but I didn't know how to bring the topic into conversation, which is why I was being all nervous and stuff," America diabolically lied.

"Is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all," America said then thought, "_You're a genius man. This'll buy me time AND I get to know about him!" _

"I guess I don't mind talking about it…" Japan said, "I haven't dated much lately, but I have had a relationship before."

"Only one?"

"No, I've had some."

America smirked, "Any one night stands?"

Japan blushed and looked away from America, "Uh, well—"

"You player, you totally have!"

"Just a couple! It's not something I'm really proud of."

"_Maybe I should hint in on who he's specifically dated," _America thought.

"So," America said, "what kind of people have you dated?"

"Why are you suddenly so interested in my personal life?" Japan questioned.

"Well I've told you plenty about mine! And I thought since we're bros we can talk about stuff like this."

Japan sighed, "You really like being in people's business."

America replied trying to persuade him, "I'm just getting to know you better man! Come on, don't you trust me?"

"…I don't want to answer that question."

"Then answer the one I asked you earlier."

"Okay okay," Japan replied. The toast popped up and Japan caught it in mid air and put it on the empty plate. Japan took both plates and put them on the table in the dining room as America followed behind impatiently waiting for Japan's answer. Japan was about to sit down when he realized he forgot something, "Oh! I almost forgot orange juice," Japan walked back into the kitchen and poured two glasses of orange juice for America and himself and brought them back to the table and sat down.

America sat down across from Japan, watching him eat his toast, hoping after he swallows the golden bread he'll answer back. He didn't.

"…Well?" America initiated that Japan hasn't answered his question.

"Well what?" Japan asked.

"The question! Aren't you going to answer it?"

"Oh!" Japan made a sly grin to show that he had an idea, "Since you brought this up, I have an idea on how we can both get what we want."

America was confused, "…What?"

Japan took a sip of his juice, "Because you want me to answer more about my personal life, and I want to you eat, I've thought of a deal we could make. For every meal you finish, I'll answer one question."

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"How is that not fair?"

"It…just isn't!"

"Well you can either accept my deal and eat food while you 'get to know me' better, or get nothing."

"…ugh, fine."

"Great, now finish your food."

America looked down at what Japan made. Thankfully it was just some toast and orange juice. Then America noticed that it wasn't just toast…the toast was from white bread. He became fearful of eating white bread since he started his diet because he heard it all dissolves into sugar when it's in your stomach. He ate one slice and had a sip of orange juice. Orange juice has a lot of sugar too. _Damnit._ America looked at the food with frustration, wanting to know more about Japan, but not wanting to consume anymore sugar-based bread or juice.

Japan was done with his breakfast within a couple minutes and went to put his dishes in the sink. When he came back America had the same frustrated face he had on when he left. It was as if America was trying to find some kind of loophole in the deal they just made about 10 minutes ago. Japan found it amusing (and secretly kind of cute), but was also hopeful that this would make America's eating habit increase. At one point Japan noticed he was staring at America's face and felt a warm feeling in himself, and became confused so he looked away and went to get his laptop.

America went for another 10 minutes with only drinking half of his orange juice, and the second piece of toast still lying there, having lost its crispiness and warmth. He poked at it as if it was a foreign food or England's cooking, and afraid to eat it. Japan was still sitting across from America, but now on his laptop typing something. America could hear Japan typing away at high speed, and then hear him say, "You know you're going to have to finish that at some point." America was startled at the fact that Japan could talk and type at the same time so well.

"I will."

"What's making you not finish it now?" Japan replied while still typing.

"There's…there's so much sugar in this."

"Not really. There's some, but not so much to be so cautious about it."

"…" America looked from frustrated to squeamish at the toast and half glass of OJ.

Japan stopped typing and looked over at America. He felt a little sympathy for him, the face America was making now always got to Japan for some reason. Though Japan couldn't give in now, he encouraged America to finish it.

"Alfred remember, none of what you're consuming will make you gain weight in a negative way. You _need_ to gain weight, so any food you consume is helping and not harming you."

America looked at Japan and whined. He quickly gulped down the orange juice (he convinced himself to do so because there was a lot of vitamin C in it and not just sugar) and then looked at the toast as sort of evil villain trying to take over his stomach and make him obese. He took a quick bite of the top right corner of the bread and put it down. His bite consisted of mainly crust, which wasn't very tasty. Then he took the bread piece and folded it in half twice, to make a square. He squished it down as much as possible to make it seem like he wasn't eating that much then chewed it a couple times and swallowed it. He felt the bread expand in his esophagus, all the way down to his stomach. It was uncomfortable, but he did it.

"I'm done," America said, sounding defeated. Japan stopped typing and saw that there was no food or drink left by America. He grinned, and was about to get up to take America's dishes when America stood up and said, "Don't worry about the dishes, I'll take them." America took the dishes in his hands and sluggishly walked to the kitchen, and practically threw the dishes in the sink from the lack of grip he had on them from the start. He put both hands on the counter, just thinking of throwing up right then and there, but then he remembered how upset Japan and everyone else would be, so he breathed in and out slowly, and walked back to the dining table where Japan still had his laptop open, but could tell that Japan was waiting for him to come back.

"So what do you want to know?" Japan asked.

That's when America remembered the pact they made just about 20 minutes ago. He went from sad to excited in an instant, and immediately sat down next to Japan with a big smile on his face.

"Oh yeah! So, my first question I want you to answer is the one you didn't answer before, what kind of people have you dated? Like do you have a type?"

"Well I don't really have a particular 'type', as long as they seem nice and we have mutual interests I don't mind having a relationship with them."

"Hmm, interesting," America said, _"We have mutual interests! AND I'm a nice person! I have a better chance than I thought," _America thought.

Now America had to wait until lunch time to have another question answered. Since he was extremely behind on his work, he decided to do that for the next hour or two. After about 30 or so papers filled out, America needed to take a break. He went outside of his office to the living room to watch some TV. He saw that Japan fell asleep curled up on the couch (which he deep down inside admitted was adorable). He stared at Japan for about 10 seconds, until he realized what he was doing was kind of creepy and quietly went upstairs to watch TV in his room instead. When he sat down on his bed he felt like he sat on something hard, and discovered his journal under his butt. He totally forgot this thing existed, and thought about writing in it later. He sat it beside him and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels for a couple minutes and saw there was nothing that really interested him on TV, so he turned it off and decided to write in his journal.

**I really have no idea what I'm doing. At first I was planning on being subtle about my feelings for Kiku, but now I've suddenly gotten myself into this deal we made during breakfast. I only get to ask him one question every time I finish a meal. This sucks. I have better things to do than eat. I wish I could truly see what was wrong with me; it's been so long since I've seen myself in a good way. **

**I just thought of something. Even if I like Kiku and he somehow likes me back, would he even like me the way I look now? I mean, Kiku's still a guy and whoever he wants to be with, he'd probably like it if they were attractive. Am I too fat for him, or I guess as he would see it, too skinny? Oh god, I feel so ashamed thinking of him in that manner, because I certainly find him…attractive. **

America looked around as if someone could be spying on him. He crouched into his notebook feeling self conscious on what he was about to write. His hand writing became smaller and closer together, as if terrified that if someone somehow stumbles upon his journal, they wouldn't be able to read this particular part of his entry.

**I could barley take my eyes off of him downstairs just adorably sleeping. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and—**

America stopped writing and shamefully blushed. The homophobic guilt came over him as he put his hands over his face. Was he seriously thinking about this over a _dude_? This could all be a phase, because he was having such a hard time with his life right now. Maybe he should go to one of those shrinks who deal with that kind of stuff. No, he knows himself that things like that are bullshit; it'll just make him feel worse. He could feel the two sides of himself fighting again on what kind of thing he was getting into. On one side it said that he should embrace who he was because repressing it wouldn't be healthy. Another part of him was calling himself a faggot and that he's sinning just thinking about it. His head began to hurt until there was a knock at the door. This brought America back to reality and he said, "Come in!"

Japan slowly opened the door and peeped his head through the doorway before he came inside, "I was just wondering where you were. I took a nap on the couch and when I woke up I saw you were gone from your office."

"I was just taking a break. I saw you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up, so I came up to my room."

"Oh. You could've woke me up if you wanted."

There was silence for a couple seconds before America asked, "So what do you want to do?"

"I don't know; I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Heh, I guess we've been hanging out for so long we don't know what to do with ourselves."

Japan made a small grin, "I guess we have."

America and Japan smiled at each other, and then they both felt a jump in their heartbeat and looked away. They were both caught up in their own reactions that either of them didn't notice that they both did the same thing. America was blushing feeling embarrassed and ashamed, while Japan felt awkward and confused. Then America got a huge idea and stood up off of his bed, leaving his journal open for the world to see.

"I have an idea! How about we get out of this house? It feels like we've been in here for days."

"We have been in here for days, about 3 to be exact."

"Well we should get some fresh air! Stop being shut-ins, and see what we can find in the outside world!"

"Well then what do we do outside then?"

"We could…umm…" America wanted to go outside, but he couldn't think of anything he wanted to do. He wanted to do something that he knew Japan and him really enjoy, "I know! How about we play some good old fashion baseball?"

"That sounds nice, but there's only the two of us."

"No problamo mi amigo," America went down the hall to the linen closet and found a baseball and two baseball gloves, "we can just play catch."

Japan and America dressed out of their pajamas into some regular clothes and went out to America's backyard to play some catch. They both felt the need to go outside for awhile since for the past couple weeks they've been mostly inside other than going to the store. Japan didn't want to stay out too long because he didn't want America to use up too much energy, but he did enjoy being outside and feeling the sun again.

"Dude, we haven't done this in awhile," America said throwing the ball to Japan.

"You're right, I can't even remember the last time we just played like this," Japan replied back then caught the ball, "it feels like old times, you know?" Japan threw the ball a bit further than where America was, forcing him to back up a bit and barley catch the ball. He hadn't used his muscles (or what's left of them really) in so long, it felt kind of awkward to put in so much effort for something.

"Heh, yeah, good times," America throws the ball, "It's so much easier to play this with you than Mattie," Japan catches the ball then throws it back, "I swear every time I'd throw the ball at him it'd hit him!"

"You were probably throwing too hard for him to even try to catch it," Japan suggested.

America stood there for a second thinking, "That would explain the bruises," America then he throws the ball to Japan and Japan catches it, "Well then why are you catching the ball so much easier?"

"Probably because in your current condition, you don't have enough strength to throw as hard as you used to," Japan throws the ball to America, and America misses catching the ball. The ball rolls away into a part of the flower garden. America fetches to go get the ball and bends over to get it. As he bends over his jeans fall to where you can see part of his boxers, even though his belt is on the last hole. He picks up the ball and runs back holding his pants with his other hand. When he stops he's panting and Japan becomes concerned.

"Do you want to take a break? We have been doing this for about 15 minutes."

"No no! I'm good," America said taking some last few breaths until he started breathing normally, "Let's keep going." The way America was breathing made him feel like the way he did when he first started working out during his diet. He felt just as out of shape now as when he did then, only now it's because he doesn't have enough weight to sustain any energy instead of too much. America threw the ball to Japan as hard as he could to see if he had any of his abnormal strength left. He ended up throwing the ball about twice as far as he should've, making Japan having to rush for the ball backwards, but Japan ended up catching it. When Japan came back, America wanted to ask him a question; this time not about Japan, but about himself.

"Hey Kiku," America said before Japan threw the ball.

"Yes?" Japan answered, holding the ball in the loosely fitted mitt.

"Because of my, uh, condition, I guess I'm not truly able to understand what I look like, right?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that, but in simple terms, yes," Japan said as he threw the ball.

"So, right now, how would you say I look?" America caught the ball.

"Very thin."

"Well I know that I apparently look skinny, but do you think you could be more detailed than that?"

America throws the ball and Japan catches it with ease. He then looks at America to try to answer his question, "You look…as if you hadn't eaten in days. As if you are sick I guess. Very tired too," Japan walks closer towards America, looking at the features on America's face to where America could feel Japan's eyes scanning his expressions, "You also look very sad," when Japan said that he sounded sad as well, like he felt bad that his good friend was feeling down, "and melancholy. As if you have almost given up but you're not quite there—"

"Okay Japan I get it!" America said irritated and turning away from him. America always used nation names when he was getting upset.

Japan realizing that he went too far with analyzing America and quickly bowed and apologized, "I'm sorry Alfred. I didn't mean to hurt you feelings. You know how blunt I am with things sometimes."

America sighed and put his hand on his face, pinching the skin between his eyebrows in frustration with himself and Japan, "I-it's fine, I shouldn't have asked." They stood there for a couple seconds, Japan still holding the ball, while America faces the away from Japan with a hand over his face, both of them frozen in the midday sun.


	27. Chapter 27

**AN: **Hello hello! Goodness it's been awhile (as usual)! Well uh, here's that new chapter and stuff. Like, it's long and stuff happens, so hopefully you like it. I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter, and would've put it up sooner but I lost it for about a week...but now it's here! If you have something to say about this chapter or the story overall please review, I really enjoy reading people's feedback, whether it's positive or reasonably negative.

Enjoy!

* * *

America stood in the sun for about 10 seconds until he just sat down in the grass with his head on his knees. Japan sat next to him looking straight ahead at the back door to the house. The silence was broken by the sound of black birds on the electrical wiring, cackling at the sun.

Japan looked at America, whose head was on top of his knees but could still see his eyes were open, staring at the grass in between the space of his lower thighs. Then Japan looked at America's eyes, looking mistier than solid blue since this whole thing started, then blinked and looked in the opposite direction at a flower bed.

"…am I not attractive anymore?" America mumbled.

Japan quickly turned to America, "What?"

"Because I look like this," America said a bit louder, "Am I," he looks at Japan, "not attractive anymore?"

Japan didn't know how to answer the question. He never thought of America as being ugly, but he never fully thought about America in that manner to what America was referring to.

"What do you mean by 'attractive'?" Japan asked.

"You know, handsome, hot, cute, that kind of thing?" America asked, looking more desperately than he wanted to, for an answer.

Japan slightly blushed and looked away, "Um, well…" he mumbled.

America looked back down at his knees, smiled a sad grin, and chuckled, "Forget it. I'm sorry to put you on the spot like that Kiku. You don't have to answer." America stood up and put his hand towards Japan to offer to help him up, "Let's go inside," this time America smiled his classic hero smile, the one that would always make Japan (or really anyone) feel better, no matter the situation.

Japan looked at America's smile and felt odd, but took Americas hand and stood up. They picked up the gloves, bat, and ball and headed back inside. As soon as America closed the back door, his cell phone rang and he went to go and get it. He saw it was his boss and motioned to Japan that he had to take the call.

"Hello? Hey Mr. President! Yeah, I'm doing fine. You don't have to check on me you know…" America walks off into the dining room continuing his conversation. Japan was still thinking about what just happened. Why was America asking such questions? More importantly, why did Japan himself blush when thinking for an answer? He sat on the couch and began to ponder what in the world was going on between him and America for the past couple days. Then he thought longer, these kinds of symptoms have gone from subtle to very strong from the past couple _years_ or so. When they first started to show up, Japan just thought it was just something that'd go away after awhile, and then he saw that they didn't go away, he subconsciously suppressed them until now. What exactly was he suppressing though? Some type of feeling towards his friend…one that was non-describable.

…

"Shit," Japan said as he blushed and covered his mouth with his hands in embarrassment.

Japan figured out what was happening, but he didn't like it (on the surface). He figured out that he—

"Yo Kiku!" America yelled, interrupting Japan's thought process and startling him.

"Huh?! What?" Japan said snapping out of his mind.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you, but you were staring off into space for awhile. What are ya thinking about so hard?"

"Oh, uh, nothing," Japan lied horribly; America could see right through it.

"You're lying! Tell me!"

"I'd really rather not."

"Was it something weird? It was something weird wasn't it?" America continued to forcefully question Japan.

"No! It was nothing weird!" Japan said starting to get irritated. America could hear the irritation in Japan's voice, and stopped badgering him about it.

"So the call was obviously my boss, he was just checking up on me and stuff. Then he was also telling me about something he just emailed me that I have to do today, so I have to go do that," America stated as he was heading toward his study.

"Alfred wait," Japan said.

America turned around to face Japan, "What?"

Japan opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He looked down in disappointment and mumbled, "Never mind, I forgot."

"Oh, okay. Let me know when you remember." America went into his study and closed the door. Japan felt terrible. He knew he had something to say, but something else kept him from saying it. Hell he couldn't even remember what he was going to say it was so embarrassing! But what was it? Japan lied down on the couch looking up at the ceiling, waiting for it to answer all of his questions. After a couple minutes, Japan's eyes started to sink and he fell asleep.

After about 45 minutes, America finished his assignment sent from his boss and went back to the living room to see what Japan was up to. America saw that Japan had fallen asleep on the couch stomach up, and America stood there again. He could feel himself blushing and trying not to keep certain thoughts out of his head. Suddenly, he started to walk towards Japan, as if something else had taken control of his body. Now he was standing right above him, who was calmly breathing in and out of his slightly opened mouth. Then out of curiosity (the excuse America gave himself), America got closer to Japan's face, now about a foot away. He started to take in Japan's facial features, and started to feel warmer. He got closer to Japan's face, now just a couple inches away, wishing he could be there for as long as possible, without Japan waking up.

Japan was lying peacefully on the couch with his eyes closed. He wanted to get up, but felt the position he was in was too comfortable and thought to he'd get up when America was done. That's when he heard America open his door to his office, close it, and start to walk towards the living room. Japan decided to lie there, assuming America saw him on the couch and assumed he was sleeping. There weren't any footsteps for a minute or so, and Japan became inquisitive on America's whereabouts and held his breath. When he heard America moving towards him again, he started to breathe again. Japan could feel America's presence next to him, and was waiting for America to wake him up, but nothing happened. That's when Japan's instincts started to notice America was getting closer again, but he couldn't comprehend why. Was…was America right in front of him? Japan slowly opened his eyes to see America's face just inches away from his. Soon they were both unconsciously staring at each other, until America came back to his senses and shot up like a soldier coming to attention. His face was as red as the stripes on the American flag, and he deeply regretted his decision.

"H-Hey uh…uh, hey," America said.

Japan felt his face heating up from what just happened, quickly stood up and said, "Do you want some lunch? I'm kind of hungry."

"Yeah totally, totally want…"

"Lunch?"

"Lunch!"

Japan quickly walked off into the dining room, wishing that event never happened.

America sat down on the couch with his face in his hands. Smooth, real smooth America. He hasn't been this nervous with someone since his first crush, which was a _very _long time ago. He wished he could just crawl into a hole and die. That whole conversation—was it _even _a conversation? It was just setting himself up for getting caught. And now Japan feels weird and he went to make lunch and—wait, Japan went to go make lunch. Lunch means food. Food means he has to eat. Fuck.

Although he still doesn't feel the need to eat on an hourly basis, America was now conflicted more on whether he should eat or not. From the response he got from Japan earlier on what he thought America looked like, it obviously meant he has to eat more if he looked like _that._ But, there's still the whole thing about him looking at his bathroom mirror as some obese monster…this was a tight spot. Well, for someone in his mindset it was a tight spot.

America could smell the faint scent of pasta being cooked on the stove.

Pasta. Pasta has carbs. Lots and lots of carbs. Carbs turns into sugar. Sugar turns into fat. Fat makes America obese.

From that train of thought, America's stomach closed and tried to make itself as small as possible, which made America feel uncomfortable. You would've thought after all this time he would've gotten at least a _little _better. America sighed and got up from the couch to the kitchen. When he reached the kitchen, the smell of the carb overload got stronger, and America could see the bowtie pasta being cooked in a pot with its creator mixing the meal. Since when did he have bowtie pasta anyway?

America went back upstairs and started to write in his journal.

**I have to start eating. No like, I ****have**** to start eating. Japan definitely sympathizes with the way I look, which is not what I want from him or from anyone for that matter. Japan's cooking bowtie pasta, and I can't help but be terrified at how many carbs are in that whole meal, but I ****must**** get back to normal. **

**I shouldn't just get back to normal for Japan though; I need to get back together for my people. They need me. I can't be in the same condition as a holocaust victim and trying to run this whole place! I ****HAVE**** to get better ASAP. **

America put his journal away and went to his bathroom. He took out his mirror and put it in his closet. He knew that every time he looked in the mirror he saw a fatso, so for who knows how long he had to deal with fixing himself up every morning without a visual source. Then he went to his sock drawer and dug to the bottom to find a black sock full of diet pills. He was able to sneak these away before France and England confiscated all of his diet pills. He should've been gaining more weight than he has, but he's been secretly taking a pill or two a day depending how he was feeling. He felt real guilty about it, and knew that Japan would be saddened if he found out. He went back to the bathroom with the sock and dumped all the pills into the toilet and flushed them.

America headed back to the kitchen, coming in just in time for Japan to filter out the pasta. He wanted to bring up a normal conversation to break the tension between them. He felt that Japan was starting to see how America felt, and he needed to throw him off.

"So…" America said to get Japan to notice he was there. Japan turned around and saw America.

"Hmm?" Japan said still holding the pot that was filled with hot steamy pasta.

"Uh, well…you do know that I get to ask you another question right?" America asked.

Japan had completely forgotten, and grinned and turned around to put the pot away, "If you finish your meal."

"Oh I will," America said determined.

"You seem more eager to eat now. It's good to see you're improving, for a bit there you seemed to be relapsing again."

America walked towards Japan who was by the counter. America opened up the cupboard and got out two plates. He handed one to Japan, and put some pasta one his plate. Before he turned around completely to go to the table, Japan stopped him.

"More," Japan demanded.

"I'm sorry?" America said confused.

"Put more pasta on your plate."

"But this is fine."

"That's probably half of what I would eat, and it barley fills up a fourth of your plate. Put more or I won't answer your question."

"Hey, that's not how the deal works! It was I finish my meal and you answer."

"What you have there isn't a meal, more of an appetizer."

America whines.

"Alfred just put more pasta, it won't hurt you. I thought you said you were going to start eating easily again."

America stood there for a couple seconds, then turned around and put two big spoon scoops of pasta on his plate.

"Good," Japan said. He then reached for the big spoon to scoop some pasta for himself just as America was putting it back, making them both accidently touch each other's hands and quickly flinch them away. America quickly walked away to the table, and Japan cautiously grabbed the big spoon and scooped a couple spoonfuls of pasta onto his plate. He could see his hands shaking, and he cursed under his breath. This was definitely not the time to be acting like this, let alone _feeling_ like this. America was in a fragile state, and the way Japan was acting could make him think Japan wasn't that supportive.

Japan went and sat down next to America instead of facing him, so that he wouldn't have to look at his face when they spoke. He was actually very hungry, so Japan was eating faster than he usually does. America saw this and looked positively baffled at how Japan was able to scarf down the food as he was. It was as if he'd forgotten how to eat quickly and had to eat at a slow pace or else food would end up all over the place. Although he ate slowly, America was determined to finish his food.

Japan finished his food but still felt hungry, so he got up to get seconds. To try to impress Japan, America tried to finish his food before he got back. When Japan sat back down, America had only a couple bites of food left, and went back to the pace he was eating when Japan was there to finish his food. When he finally finished his food, he put his fork down on his plate to where it made a sound loud enough for Japan to look over at him. America was smiling, looking proud of himself that he'd accomplished his goal. Then America's face fell to discomfort, and he held his stomach.

"Are you okay?" Japan asked.

"My stomach hurts," America said, "I think I ate too fast."

"Well you didn't have to rush; you could've taken as much time as you did when I first got here."

"I'll be fine soon, but now I get to ask you a question!"

Japan sighed, "Okay, fire away."

America had been saving his question for the right time, and because it feels like the longer time passes, the more he can't hold his feelings in anymore. He felt the need to ask Japan now.

"So, I've wanted to ask you this, but I don't know how you're going to respond."

"Well you'll never know unless you ask."

"Um, okay. So I've just wondered, what exactly are you?"

Japan stopped eating his pasta and looked at America with a confused face, "What?"

"Y-You know like, who do you like?"

"I already told you who I like to date."

"No, no I mean," America trailed off. He felt so embarrassed asking this.

"You mean…"

America sighed and said straightforward but looking at the ground, "Are you gay?"

Japan was surprised and didn't know what to say, "Uh, w-well, I-I-I—"

"I was just wondering since you've never really said anything about your personal life—"

"That I was in the closet or something?!"

"No no no! I—ugh, I'm sorry the question came out totally wrong."

"No i-it's fine…"

"Let me rephrase the question: What sexuality are you?"

"Um…w-well…"

"Come on man, you can tell me!"

Japan looked at America with a stern face, "Do you promise to keep an open mind about my answer?"

"Yes yes I promise!"

Japan sigh, "This could take awhile to answer, is that okay?"

"Y-yeah, that's fine," America said eager to hear Japan's explanation.

Japan took a moment to compose himself, then spoke, "For the most part, I know I'm attracted to women, but…there are times when I was…attracted to men."

"…so you're Bi?"

"I-I'm not sure…Alfred, I've been alive for a very long time, and from all those years I've only been in a relationship with three men, all from different time periods. The first one was when I was training as a Ninja; I'm not sure what the year was though. The second time was a little before there was an embargo and I stayed inside my home, and the most recent one was around the late 1900s."

"Huh," America said.

"Although I don't date often, and rarely ever fall in…love…I…I did fall in love with…the first one. About a year after I confessed to him, he died in battle," Japan says sadly and mournfully, as if it happened recently.

"I…I didn't know. I'm sorry," America said softly.

"It's fine. It happened a very long time ago, long before you came around."

"So…do other nations know about your personal life?"

"Well, some of them knew about when I was dating the latest one. Definitely Germany, England, France, and a couple other European nations know. Practically most of the Asian nations know. Now that I think about it, a lot of nations know."

"Whoa whoa whoa," America said, sounding a bit offended, "how does practically the whole world know _but _me?"

Japan's eyes got wide for a moment remembering something, and then he nervously replied, "Because…I didn't know how you'd respond."

"What do you mean?"

"Alfred, you just recently in the past decade or so became increasingly comfortable with homosexuals, and even now in my home there are still people who are very homophobic. Not even my co-workers and boss know about it! It's not something that I'm out and proud about, but also I'm not ashamed. And the thing is I became especially cautious about it the way you reacted when Feliciano told everyone he was gay. He was so sad and embarrassed the way you humiliated him, I thought I'd never be able to tell you without that happening to me too."

America's face went from curiosity to guilt. He didn't say anything, knowing that nothing verbal would help make this situation any better.


	28. Chapter 28

**AN: **...hi guys. So, I got this chapter out, and it's a thing. Um, I'd appreciate reviews to critique my writing skills, because they really do help. Also if you're wondering if the story is near an end, I've decided (because I have this thing with numbers) that the story will be 30 chapters long, so there's only two left to go! It's about damn time I get this done anyways._  
_

Also, I know it's a problem that I put these things out long after I put the last one out, but I just want things I write to be written to this fullest potential that my skills can get it to. I don't want to post something every week if it's crappy, so I hope these things are worth the wait. In reality it takes me a week or two to get the full plot of what's going to happen in a chapter, then it takes me another couple weeks (if nothing happens in my life) to write it and have a couple of my friends go over if it's nice or not. Just if you're wondering how this process goes and all.

Enjoy!

* * *

_America could slightly remember what happened when Italy came out to him. He visited Italy for a business trip and it was the last day he was going to be there. He remembered for most of the trip Italy looked uneasy and nervous about something, but he didn't really put any thought into it. He was staying at Italy's house and Italy made an Italian dinner of a garden salad and spaghetti. America absolutely loved Italian food and thought Italy was the best cooker in the world, and always looked forward to eating his cooking. When they were done, Italy put all the dishes in the sink and went back to America who was sitting at the table with a full stomach._

"_You seriously know how to cook a good meal Feli!"_

"_Ve~, grazie Alfred!"_

"_It's a shame I'm leaving in the morning, it's fun hanging out with you."_

"_Ve~, I'm sad to see you leave too Alfred. At least we'll see each other again at the world meeting in a couple months!"_

"_Yeah that's true."_

_Italy went from a smiling face to a nervous frown, then asked America, "Hey uh, do you think we can talk outside about something?"_

"_Sure," America said curiously. What could Italy want to talk about?_

_They both walked outside to Italy's backyard patio, and sat on the patio furniture. Italy looked worried and America became concerned._

"_You alright?" America asked._

"_Alfred…I have something important to tell you…about me," Italy says._

"_Oh? What is it?"_

_Italy's face started to go from nervous to fear, "Alfred, we're friends right?"_

"_Y-yeah, of course we are."_

"_And friends don't hide things from each other, right?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_And…and friends accept friends for who they are no matter what…right?" Italy kept asked, now clenching his hands into sweaty fists. _

"_Of course! Dude, what's going on?"_

_Italy breathed in and out, and stood up in front of America, looking up at him in the eye._

"_Alfred I…I'm gay."_

"…_what?"_

"_I-I am a homosexual."_

_America didn't know what to think of this at the time. For one, it's not that he hated gays, but he couldn't comprehend how someone could __turn__ into that kind of person. It just wasn't right and kind of weird, you know?_

"_But you're all like, Catholic and stuff…"_

"_W-well, yeah I am—"_

"_And homosexuality is a sin, you know that right?"_

"_Do you not accept me for who I am?" Italy said in a shaky voice._

"_It's just that…this doesn't make any sense! You're always chasing after girls and taking pictures with them and stuff, how could this have happen?"_

"_Who I am is frowned upon in our society, so I had to keep up with my reputation as the guy who'd hit on girls but never get any, while hiding who I really am. And it didn't just happen Alfred! I've just…come to terms with it now."_

_America scoffed, "I can't believe this," he looked at Italy with disrespect, "do you have feelings for me or something?"_

"_N-no! I…I'm actually dating someone."_

"_Feli you can't be serious—"_

"_I am serious!" Italy started to tear up._

"_Feli this is bad. You can't just go off and do stuff with guys, you're going to get AIDS or something!"_

"_No I won't! My boyfriend is clean and we always use protection—"_

"_Ew dude, don't give me any details. Not to mention it's a sin and you'll go to hell!"_

"_That's for God to judge not you!" A tear streamed down Italy's face._

_America stands up, "Well I already know what God's judgment is and it's you're committing a major sin and need to stop before it's too late!"_

_Italy could see that America wasn't accepting what he told him at all. The discussion ended up Italy having to defend himself and his beliefs, and America eventually went from trying to reason with Italy that he isn't gay to yelling at him some hurtful and offensive things. The rest of the night ended up with America staying in the guest room until early in the morning and leaving for the airport as soon as he could. _

_Japan knew about this incident was because the next week he went to visit Italy for a couple days just for fun and he saw how much of a wreck Italy was from what happened. Japan found out about Italy just a couple years ago (after some major speculation too), and accepted him because of his past relationships and his indifference about Italy's sexuality. When he was there, he ended up comforting him the whole time. Japan felt so bad for Italy because he and America were such good friends and it ended just like that._

Japan realized the kind of emotion he just showed to America. His blood was pumping from the rage he showed, and he regretted it. He pulled back from America and looked down in shame, "I'm sorry that I snapped on you like that."

"N-no, it's fine," America said in a heavy but quiet voice, "I'm glad you told me—both your past relationships and how you felt about me," America knew that he had already patched things up with Italy, but he still felt the guilt from what he said. He wishes he wasn't so arrogant with things like this; it always made him end up with broken friendships.

The rest of the afternoon consisted of both America and Japan working. America felt like it was about time he got back to working as much as he did on a regular basis, and Japan was the usual 'workaholic'. When it got to about 7pm and it was dark outside, America got out of his office, annoyed and exhausted at anything that had to do with politics, and fell onto his couch to turn on the TV to find anything to get his mind off of his work. Sadly, all he could find was 'Obama this' and 'gun control' that, he changed it to Boomerang to watch some kid shows. Boomerang was one of his favorite channels, it reminded him of the old days when things weren't as frustrating or complicated, when he was generally a happy-go-lucky guy. Although he was technically an adult, all the entertainment he needed was some old fashioned cartoons with a mouse severely injuring a cat and he felt better.

Japan was upstairs in the guestroom reading some manga online, when he could hear America laughing downstairs. He was curious what America was laughing about, so he closed his laptop and went downstairs. When he got to the living room, he saw that America was watching the classic cartoon Tom & Jerry. He knew that this was one of America's favorite cartoons; it was something he'd watch when he needed to be cheered up.

America noticed Japan and said, "Hey!"

"Hey," Japan mumbled.

"Wanna watch?" America points to the TV, "It's a classic!"

"Actually, can we talk for a minute?" Japan asked.

"Uh, sure," America turned off the TV and Japan went and sat on the other side of the couch. Japan looked unsure about what he was going to say, so America insisted and said, "What's going on?"

Japan looked at America, then at the empty screen of the TV and said, "Well the thing is…I'm glad that you are getting better, and you're eating more and having fewer nightmares but…"

"…but?" America said.

"…I've been staying here for the past month or so, and well…"

"…you want to go home?" America said.

Japan looked at America, concerned that he hurt his feelings and said, "It's not that I'm sick of you or anything! It's just—"

"Its fine Kiku," America said nicely, "you have done _way _more than Iggy, Francis, and I have asked. My feelings aren't hurt that you just want to go home."

Japan felt relieved and his composure relaxed, "Thank you for understanding Alfred. Mainly it's also my boss that wants me to go, but I do also miss my home."

"It's perfectly fine…so when are you leaving?"

"I was going to plan to leave on Sunday."

"Hmm, that's soon."

"Yeah."

America smiled and joked, "Well it was fun while it lasted!"

Japan grinned, "Besides having problems with your condition, staying here was nice."

America swallowed hard to look at Japan and say, "Kiku, I seriously can't thank you enough for being with me through all this shit. It has meant a lot to me."

Japan started to blush from America looking at him, so he looked away and said, "I should be thanking you as well."

"…huh? Why?"

"You've been here for me too. You helped me realize that I shouldn't end my life as soon as I wanted to. To tell you the truth, when you found me in the forest that was the closest I've ever been to ending it all, but you helped me see at the last minute what I was doing was foolish."

America didn't say anything, and Japan continued, "Although we've known each other for the past couple hundred years, I feel like we both learned more about each other from the past month than all of those other years. We actually have more in common than we thought we did."

The moment felt as if the world was taking in Japan's conclusion to the time America and he spent together. America looked at Japan in awe, and realized that this could be the only few chances he gets now to confess his feelings. Even now he could feel his heart pounding and how all he wanted to do was kiss (and possibly more) Japan's lips. Japan soon got up and went to the kitchen. America then ran up to his room and grabbed his journal.

**Japan is leaving soon, and I've got to act fast. **

**I know I like him. I like Kiku ****a lot****. But how in the world do I tell him? I mean, I still haven't used Feli's advice, but I'm too afraid! Oh, speaking of which, Japan finally told me about his sexuality. Apparently he has dated a couple men back in the day, even when he was a ninja! To be truthful though, he's already into some pretty weird stuff, so I wasn't that surprised when he told me. But that's not the only thing that happened. I found out that most of the major countries already knew about this and I didn't! I asked him why, and he brought up about what I did to Feli awhile back…**

**Those are things I don't like to remember, hurting those I care about just because of my own arrogant opinion. **

**Anyways, I didn't talk to him for awhile after that, mainly because Kiku had to finish a project, and I had to deal with all the bullshit that my politicians had created and started. God, what I would give for a civil-working Congress that actually solves problems. Dammit I got off track again, ****anyways****, after that I went to watch some cartoons, and then Kiku came in and told me that he was leaving soon. I swear this is something out of a chick flick, where the dude has only so long to tell the girl that he loves her and blah blah blah romance stuff.**

**Oh no, has my life become a depressing chick flick? My life might as well be on fucking Lifetime. **

"**The depressing anorexic girl who would soon perish if it weren't for her friend for coming in and helping her through her troubles, and they soon fall in love and are together forever! Coming on Friday at 8/7C only on Lifetime."**

…**wow. Now I ****really ****have to make sure no one gets a hold of this journal. **

**I am going to miss Kiku though. Although I have 51 children, they're all so busy with their own problems, they rarely come over to see me, and so it was nice to have company. Kiku also said that I helped him too through his own troubles and I'm glad he's doing better too. Someone as cool and amazing as him shouldn't want to kill themselves. **

**Before he leaves I have to tell him. I will. Maybe I should tell him the night before so if he doesn't feel the same way, he doesn't have to dwell awkwardly around my place until he has to leave for the airport. And I'll get flowers! Cherry Blossoms I guess? And uh…man I haven't been romantic in a looong time, and it's not making it any less weird that I'm being romantic towards a male friend that I now have fallen for. Oh I know what I'll do! I'll give him the flowers and then say like a quick monologue on what the hell I'm doing and then tell him! Maybe if I do it romantically enough, he'll fall for me! Yes, this is going to work!**

**I am going to make Kiku my boyfriend!**


End file.
